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Jul 21, 2017

Our Due Date

Hello.
I know I said I would be taking a summer break. And I likely still am for the most part, but I wanted to be sure and document today.

Today would be our due date for our little baby boy.
And the whirlwind of emotions in the past couple of weeks has been one for the books.

Every milestone that pops up along the way of my should-have-been pregnancy wreaks havoc on my emotions and mental state. And it's never the day of....more like the week or so leading up to the date.

Overall, I am happy.
I am content.
I smile and laugh and joke and make plans, and, for the most part, am back to my old self.

My recovery from a miscarriage has been monumental, since I was never really able to release all this love I have for this person I will never meet..

I cry at night sometimes.
I replay the minutes of my miscarriage sometimes.
I talk to the little grave site in our back yard a lot.
I misplace my anger because of my grieving sometimes.

It's okay to not be okay, sometimes.

But even still, life moves on.
We move forward and we re-shape our lives, and weave this loss into the fabric of our being. We are growing to accept what happened, learn what we can, and move forward with kind hearts. We will not let this failure harden our edges.

The pain hurts far less these days when I reminisce, than it did six months ago.
The sting is less sharp.
The tears are fewer.

Mark and I will be together today, in celebration of our little man.

We never gave him a first name.
Mark insisted his middle name be Speed, so that's what it would have been.

We know he is playing with Crash up in Heaven.
And at some point, many many years down the road, we will all be reunited as one big happy family.

We love you, Speed. XO