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Nov 14, 2012

I need to know how to let life happen and not be such a psycho all the time, I'm sure Bayou would appreciate that

Sweet Baby Jebus....
The last oh....month or so have been a complete shit storm of uncontrollable non-sense that is both work and home related.  I just cannot believe how busy I have become with work...to the point where I think I had at least 3 wine chugging breakdowns and then a REAL breakdown.....at WORK.....CRYING....to an awesome co-worker. If that didn't launch her to rethink our friendship and slowly creep out of the room with wide eyes then maybe we are really meant to be friends.  Sorry S...by the way. . about all that.


I feel like everything has been spiraling out of control.  I am so overwhelmed and the obvious reaction is to just stare blankly at the never ending piles of garbage that have been flung onto my plate...oh, right...and start crying. . A lot.  See...at first I'm all....yes, this is a ton of stuff so I will just do everything at once and keep a smile on my face and trudge on. And then reality hit and I just stopped in my tracks.  And then got a stern talking to about getting my shit together.  Apparently I am not that good with just going from 1mph- 3,000 mph in the blink of an eye even though I like to speed.

I am rather controlling. I can't help it.  I like things done a certain way, it's much easier for me to do them myself than teach someone else...I schedule, I time things, I attempt to make myself the most efficient person I can.  From the second I wake up to the moment I go to bed....I'm on a fucking schedule. I have to be.  I cannot be one of those people that lazily gets up; makes a cup of coffee and reads the paper in the morning...then gets on with their day.  I have to rush off to work to fight the crowds on the road, on the train, walking to work...to get that bigger better paycheck, then rush home...just so I can see the faces of the people and animals I love most.  That is all that matters to me....those silly faces.  I can give you a glimpse into my day...every day.....and you can laugh at how psycho I am and pat yourself on the back for not having to deal with this.  (And I don't even have kids yet....Oh...the joys of adding to my plate if that EVER happens.  But that's a whole other problem)

4:50am- First alarm goes off.  I hit snooze and "shop" my closet, in my head, for the outfit I'm going to wear that day
5:00am- Second alarm goes off.  Fuck.  I leap out of bed, grab water jug, phone, clothes, accessories, and shoes in the dark and rush downstairs.
5:05-5:25am- Drop off clothes in bathroom, rub crust out of eyes, brush teeth, put collar on dog, pick up his dog food so other dog doesn't rush in once he is up to eat all of it, close dogs crate so other dog doesn't try to sneak in and cause a fight, pick up pee pad, stuff work shoes, water jug and food items for the day into work bag, add sugar and creamer to coffee mug, take shower, dry off, apply various lotions.
5:25-5:35- Open up second dog crate...tell him it's time to get up.  Dog ignores me.
I continue to get dressed, plug in various hair beautifying appliances, apply half my make-up,
Tell second dog to get up again.  Ignored again.
5:35-5:50- Bang on top of second dog crate to get dog out of crate and stop sleeping.  Put harnesses and coats on two dumb dogs...drag them outside to sniff the ground and do their business, heat up car, drag dogs back inside, take off harnesses and coats, give dogs treats and separate them.
5:50-6:05am- Attempt to beautify hair, finish making coffee, find wedding rings and put on accessories, grab money for parking, kiss Bayou and run out the door.
6:05-6:20- get frustrated at every car driving in front of me as I make my way to train
6:21-6:29- Park at the "closest" parking spot in lot that is a mile away, pay for parking, run to train
6:29-7:40- Sit on train, check emails, fb, and Pinterest.  Apply rest of make-up and wake up with coffee
7:40-8am- Walk with the rest of the herds of people to work
8am-4pm- Work
4:15-4:35- Leave work later than intended, run to train, sit down, stop sweating...
4:45-5:40- Sit on train and stare blankly at weirdos
5:40-6pm- Drive home
6pm-7pm- Drink copious amounts of wine, start dinner with Bayou, pet dogs, clean house or do some laundry or organize something
7:-7:15- watch TV..maybe
7:15-7:45- eat dinner
7:45-8pm- walk dogs again
8pm-8:30- get ready for bed, change clothes, put everything away for the day, wash face, brush teeth, take a million pills
8:30-8:45- watch tv
8:45-9pm- Pass the F Out.

And the thing is....I have been doing all of that for over 10 year now...it works for me. I'm okay with it.....but add to it large home renovations that fill up my weekends and a cold that doesn't ever seem to go away and the stress from too much to do at work and I freak out. And cry. And yell at someone...usually Bayou.

And now on top of all this fun...I really, really, really would like some chillens of my own.  And I can't just "let it happen"...no no no. There has to be a billion hours of research and timing and checking things and more fun stuff that stresses me out more.  And fighting with Bayou...and us getting on the same page. And him being scared, and overwhelmed, and me being nervous as well. It's not like we can just "go with the flow."  I am not one of those people that is stupid about how I work as a lady.  And how my lady parts work and when they work.  I know. I like to educate myself as much as possible so that I can be prepared.  And it is just causing more stress because I want it to happen NOW and it just isn't.  I don't even want to think about what would happen if something was wrong with one of us and it couldn't happen.  And all of my friends are awesome and pregnant and having kids and I am just sitting from the sidelines...waving at them....and not being a part of it. And I know what you are thinking....TBag....JUST LET LIFE HAPPEN.

IIIIIII KKKKNNNNOOOOWWWW!!!!!

I'm trying.  I don't know how to.  I feel like if I stop trying to take the reins I'm am going to be trampled by life.  I like being ahead of the game.

What do I do?  Did you just ever get to a point where you threw your hands up and said, "I GIVE UP!"  Or is it giving up? Knowing that there is only so much you can do....it's not giving up is it? Is it a sign of weakness?  I hope not.  I am on the cusp of just letting go.  Work will get done when it's done.  Home will still be there.  Babies will (hopefully) come eventually.  How do I find patience?  Or at least a better balance without feeling like a failure?






Maybe it's just the holidays. Expectations.  Trying to do it all and be the best.  Is it wrong to want it all?  Is it too much to ask for some kind of sign that tells me if what I'm doing is okay or if I need to try something else? 

Let's all hope that Life punches me in the vag by the next post and slapped me in the face with some Zen so I can tell you some good news for once instead of constant bitching and griping.

There isn't enough wine in the world,
TBag. Out.