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Dec 19, 2014

Isn't life grand?

One hour.
That's all it takes to turn this angry, sour bitch into a smiling, festive, giddy, happy person again.

So here's what changed since the last time we talked.

Dec 15, 2014

Moving forward

It's time.
This last week has been so. fucking. stupid.
I have been hopeful but mostly depressed and angry, and it's not good.
Not good at all.

Dec 12, 2014

Currently

...pulling together a Christmas cake idea between this photo inspiration...


and this recipe for a Southern Coconut Cake.

Dec 10, 2014

what I miss

A long, looooonnnng time ago, I was involved in a little activity called Color Guard.
you know....the flags?
I'll give you a moment of silence to laugh at my expense
.
.
.
.
.
all set?
Good.

It all started as a Freshmen in High School. I tried out for the team and spent the next four years fine tuning the "craft." After that, another four years competing in an Independent guard (outside of a school) and mixed in, teaching.

I won't get into too many details about it.
All I can say is there probably isn't another point in my life where I was willing to spend ALL of my free time, and will power, and strength, and sanity, dedicated to something most people would say is a waste of time.

Dec 8, 2014

Dirty Christmas

Every year I host a family Christmas party to get my side of the family together.
There doesn't seem to be a month that goes by where we don't have an event with Mark's side, but my family is more spread out and it seems harder to gather everyone in one place.

And since my family is basically the Original Goldberg's, I try to keep the party as classy and sophisticated as possible.

We dress up in the our most fabulous light-up Christmas gear, festive sweaters, and Santa hats, snack on Ritz and Easy Cheese, lil' smokies, and other variety of expensive fair, and play a sentimental game called:

DIRTY CHRISTMAS (also known as White Elephant)

Last year Mark "won" a glass chicken lamp, and I ended up with a random strand of half-working Christmas lights.
I should also add that Mark actually uses that sassy lamp in the garage to this day.

The name of the game is to find a gift for under $20 that really speaks to your soul.
A gift that you can't wait to see the reaction as they open it.
Just make sure grandma doesn't steal your gift or you may have to take her out.
Santa isn't watching this evening....so be bad!

And in case you are heading out or hosting your own little Dirty Christmas soiree, I hand-picked some of the best gifts money can buy that can be delivered to your door for that special someone.

Enjoy!

Dec 5, 2014

treat yo'self- Holiday Giveaway

Disclaimer: I totally dropped the ball and forgot to mention this giveaway that I am a part of.



You know how this time of year it seems that we're always rushing around and shopping for everyone but ourselves? 'Tis the season and I know we wouldn't have it any other way, but isn't it nice to treat yourself once in a while too?! That's such a foreign concept to a lot of us (myself included!) so I've teamed up with some of my favorite blogging ladies for a giveaway for YOU! Treats that you can enjoy yourself, not gifts that you're going to give to another person. Target cards to treat yourself, Starbucks cards to indulge in a holiday treat, and a bunch of other fun gifts as well! Won't it be fun to open your mailbox and find all these fun treats that YOU get to enjoy?! That's our goal with this giveaway! Since you're always giving to everyone else, we wanted to treat YOU!

Here's a list of prizes that one lucky reader will win...

Dec 3, 2014

don't apologize

There is a work-related mantra that I try to strive for both in my professional and personal life.

That mantra is, "don't apologize."

Let me explain.

See, I am not saying don't ever apologize when you clearly do something wrong or hurt someone. Because you should absolutely apologize, and actually mean it. Nothing pisses me off more than a half-hearted apology. As stubborn as I am, when I know I'm wrong....I know I need to apologize. And most of the time, in the heat of the moment, even if you do apologize, it sounds like horse shit.
It is always better to walk away and cool off and realize how shitty you were, then go back with THAT feeling to apologize. But getting back to the original mantra...

Dec 2, 2014

Life lately

Oh hey. I'm here.
A little light on the inspiration and maybe a small break was needed.
So what have I been up to?

The last week has been a bit crazy.
At work we are gearing up for the holidays complete with company cards, retreats, and parties...all planned by yours truly.  It has been non-stop.

On the home-front, we all know our bathroom is finally show-ready and we did just that.
Showed. It. Off.
Between friends stopping by before Thanksgiving and all the way through the weekend, we have had a slew of loved ones file through the doors for all sorts of fun.

Nov 26, 2014

Bathroom: The Reveal

OH. EMMM. GEE.
You guys.
It's finally really, really REALLY done!

The past month I literally only left my house to go to work or home improvement stores.
I haven't seen or talked to friends or family since Halloween.
My mom called worried that I had fallen off the face of the earth.
I did kind of...or more like, down the sewage drain of our bathroom toilet (not really).

Anyways, I am FINALLY proud to say it's done and we are THRILLED.
Like, fill up the bath with champagne and slosh around thrilled.
Sit on the ground and stare at the sparky chandelier thrilled.
Walk past the room four hundred times a night and smile like a child on Christmas thrilled.
You get the idea.

Let's take a quick lil' walk down memory lane at the before, or, as I like to call it, the reason we almost didn't purchase the house because I cried like a baby and scared the realtor when we walked into this room:


DIS-GUS-TING
And this is the "look" we were headed in:


And THIS, my friends....is the final product....ENJOY!!

Nov 21, 2014

Progesterone

I wasn't sure I was going to keep giving updates constantly about my incessant lack of bebe, but here goes. Because, hey, if I feel the need to scour Google for hours trying to find answers or stories to relate to, then maybe someone will find this blog looking for the exact same thing.

So, progesterone.
We all know that my number is lower.

And we also know that I did three unsuccessful rounds of Clomid.
And that I switched doctors.
And with this new doctor came almost the same answers, although spoken more eloquently.
Words shot out of her mouth like IUI, and IVF, and fertility center, and a bunch of other fun ones.
But I'm not ready to take that leap yet.
I don't know if I ever will be.
In my gut, I just know that although Mark and I don't have stellar grades on any of our fertility report cards, at the same time, it's not impossible.

She suggested, and I agreed, to try a few more rounds of basic medication before even considering something more invasive.

Nov 19, 2014

Accidental nudie selfie

So you know when you are trying to show off your newly installed tile, after you may or may not had a tall glass of wine and are sitting in a tub of gloriously hot water when it's exactly 8 degrees outside?

And you say to yourself, "self, we should take a photo of this tile and upload that shit to Instagram."
So you take that photo and add a fun filter and upload it.
And then you also text that photo to your mom.
And you get a bunch of likes and all is right with the world.
Right?
Wrong.

Nov 14, 2014

Progress

I spoke too soon regarding the contractors flaking out on us.
Tuesday afternoon after I wrote all about how they decided last minute to show up and we got a new bidder in place, I got the reply text.
And, since both their quote and the second bid came in at exactly the same price, we chose to stick with the original contractors.

Wednesday night Mark and I finished some last minute layout items including vanity mirror placement, and sconce positioning.

Thursday morning I left for work while Mark stayed home to meet the guys.
By the time I came home, they were finishing up their last hour of work.
Granted, a few hours of Day 1 included buying cement board and other materials, so the progress isn't fabulous based on the photos, but I can assure you they made good strides.

Nov 12, 2014

A snag in the road + Updates

So, we hit a small-ish snag in the road.
As this post is being published I am standing in my bathroom with a new contractor to give pricing and availability for our bathroom renovation.
Yes, at 6:30am before work.
Monday morning started out with me texting our preferred contractor to confirm what time the team will be onsite this Thursday and how many men I should expect.
(he prefers texting as his English is.....off)
No response.
Ok, no big deal. He usually responds by the end of the same day so I'll just wait.
6pm rolls around and still no response.
Ok, I'll just email him.
By Tuesday at noon I still had no response from either outlet.

Shit.

Nov 10, 2014

Blank Slate

Another whirlwind weekend filled with non-stop partying and drinking.
Just kidding...this is what we did.


Nov 7, 2014

Friday Favorites

Let's turn our attention to something other than demo and destruction today, shall we?
In an effort to semi-hop on the "be thankful" train I compiled a list from my week that brought happiness, hilarity, and fun to my busy days.

1) Even though snow is right around the corner (and has already sprinkled down on Halloween!) I am still trying to appreciate how BRIGHT it is walking to work right now. Thank you Daylight Savings!


Nov 5, 2014

Demo Day 2: enter sand(wo)man

We got all this fun stuff accomplished on Day 1.
Day two brought a whole new set of challenges.
Specifically, sanding.
Mark had suggested I just take a scraper to the ENTIRE WALL and chip away at the white mortar.
Yes, it would make less of a mess...but it's all about efficiency at this point.
This is the enemy:


Nov 3, 2014

Demo Day 1: karate kick the commode

I can tell you this.
I WILL be booking my first ever hot stone massage immediately following this damn renovation.
if I have any money left after everything is said and done. sssh! don't tell mark!

So we hit the bathroom hard, literally.
Smashing and scraping and prying each and every damn tile off every wall.

But not before removing the medicine cabinet, sink, 6 mirror panels and nasty wallpaper.
The original plan was to (nicely) remove the toilet and salvage it.
Well, Mark got all pissed off that the bolts were rusted on and he karate kicked it into pieces.
It was the highlight of my weekend.

Saturday morning I went to Home Depot and purchased a couple of pry bars, a pair of goggles and face mask, and the odds and ends to add back to the bathroom after it's all pretty.
This included two mirrors; one for over the sink, a toilet roll holder, shower head and water valve, and fancy hand-held sprayer combo. 

Now, here are the steps in pictures to start chipping away (pun intended) at a bathroom.

Oct 31, 2014

This is Halloween 2014

Dudes.
I'm off today (hooray!).
But it's not because I am adding the finishing touches to a costume so epic it will surely take 1st place in some contest.
And it's not because I will have droves of tiny trick-or-treaters at my front door.
And it's definitely not because I have Halloween movies to watch, or festive treats to make, or spooky cocktails to drink.
No, I am taking a day off to get a head start on the chaos at our home.

I don't know why we do this to ourselves.

Oct 29, 2014

The goods

Happy hump day!
Since I am smack dab in the middle of my bathroom renovation, I wanted to clue you into our budget and how we are cutting our bill in half by doing a lot of the handy-work ourselves.

Even though Friday is Halloween, I am sad to say I haven't had much time to focus on getting my spooky on. It's a shame really. But, we really need to get this bathroom done before Thanksgiving so our plan is to spend the weekend picking out the major final touches for install and begin demo.

Here is where we are at.

Oct 27, 2014

All that glitters...

My weekend was nothing but physically exhausting.
I didn't do my blogging duty to take different photos, so what you get is exactly what you saw if you follow me on Instagram.

I have been battling a half-cold since last weekend. My sore throat and overall exhaustion came to a boil last Friday after I had my work review (which I nailed, btw!).
I skipped out on festive Friday drinks and headed home to sit and sip a bit of wine and just relax.


Oct 23, 2014

Promote the Love Link-Up {2}

Happy Friday lovies.
Today is special because it's our second Promote the Love Link-Up!
I hope you have that special something or someone all cued up and ready to be pimped out for today!!

Please grab the button below or on my sidebar and link-up your post!

Grab button HOPO Promote Love


<div class="HOPO_PromoteLove_Button" style="width: 250px; margin: 0 auto;">
<a href="http://www.handsonpantsoff.com" rel="nofollow">
<img src="https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/277697646/HoPo%20Misc./PromoteLove.png" alt="Promote Love" width="250" height="250" />
</a>
</div>

Oct 21, 2014

What have you always wanted to be?

Growing up in an affluent suburb of Chicago, I was primed at a young age to start thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Certain classes were taken, certain milestones crossed, all leading to a specific path that would ultimately define my future.

The only obvious option was to go to college.
Get a degree in something that would make me feel fulfilled and make my parents proud for raising such a bright girl.
They did, and I have ultimately been a success.

I listened to my dad and didn't "throw away my degree to start a family."

Oct 19, 2014

What's our budget?

Hey there folks. Welcome back to my regularly scheduled program.
I tried, super hard, to get a post out for Friday, but my complete exhaustion with a work event combined with a possible hangover and the start of a cold allowed me click the "post" button and then just blankly stare at the screen.
So, here we are. And this is what I did with my Sunday morning. Like most Sunday mornings, my routine is typically to "figure out our money."

Oct 14, 2014

A (week)day in the life...

Fancy seeing you here.
I am gearing up for a two day work event local to Chicago.
Part of this event requires my full attention to detail regarding a fun little cocktail party.
The boozes are ordered, menu selected, glassware delivered, & fun jazzy music in tow.

And while I'm schmoozing with some University folk, you can take a peek into my typical (work)week.

Oct 12, 2014

Shake it off

Happy Monday loves.
Thank you again for all the love and support with the link-up Friday. I found some amazing new blogs and I hope everyone felt awesome for sharing.  We will get another opportunity to Promote Love in 2 weeks!
This weekend was filled with Halloween decorating, a good fall temp run, pizza with my main man, and of course- a crockpot meal.

So I must tell you, Saturday morning didn't go quite like I hoped, but the end result was much better. I had just downloaded a few songs (including, I confess, that damn Taylor Swift song, Shake it Off. I can't tell you how much it came in handy only moments later), and was setting out for my first cooler temp run this month.
I listen to the music from my phone and noticed I had a little email icon. So I checked it.
And almost pooped my pants.


Wouldn't you know I had a rather shitty comment from none other than an Anonymous asshole.

Oct 9, 2014

Promote the Love Link-Up

Happy Friday lovies!! I'm excited to announce our first Promote the Love Link-Up!

I hope you all did your homework and are ready to tell us all about the people/bloggers/activities in your life that make your day just a little bit better.



Grab button HOPO Promote Love


<div class="HOPO_PromoteLove_Button" style="width: 250px; margin: 0 auto;">
<a href="http://www.handsonpantsoff.com" rel="nofollow">
<img src="https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/277697646/HoPo%20Misc./PromoteLove.png" alt="Promote Love" width="250" height="250" />
</a>
</div>

I will be talking a bit about myself and then throwing all my love to Miss Valerie Tynes.

Oct 7, 2014

Leaving Las Vegas and Promote the Love details

Happy hump day loves!
I have been quite the jet-setter this week, embarking on a last minute conference trip for work to Viva Las Vegas!
I gambled (with someone else's money), slept in a posh hotel (the Cosmopolitan!), and stayed up far past my midwestern bedtime....oh, and also did work-stuff.
Although, I must admit, I'm not a huge Vegas fan. I love a deeper culture, more like New Orleans, but Vegas sure is shiny, isn't it?



Oct 5, 2014

we are going granola....kinda

First up, how awesome is my spooky Halloween header up top?
Another fun example would be She's A Jewell. Go check out those pumpkins!
Halloween blog headers are only $5 from my Etsy Shop this month with code THRILLER.
Have you purchased yours yet?

Thank you for all the feedback regarding the Promote the Love link-up idea. We will be doing it at least once a month. I have already added the button to my sidebar for easy access when it's time to link-up. Details to follow! I can't wait to hear about everyone else's blog loves in life!!

OK, onto the real post.
I have been doing a bit of soul searching.
Trying to find answers.
I'm frustrated. I'm confused. I'm trying to find hope.

Three rounds of Clomid down the tubes....or out the tubes, however you want to look at it.
And I have nothing to show for it besides a heavier mid-section.
The good news with taking the drugs thus far is that my progesterone levels went up, which is needed to be able to sustain a pregnancy if it were to happen.
Pre-medicated I was at a 7.4 on Day 21
The first Clomid cycle wasn't monitored.
Second: 15.8
Third: 20.2

My doc's nurse called after my last draw and seemed very optimistic. Her voice was almost sing-songy.
"Call us when you miss your period."
Wow. A smile broadened across my face. This could really be it.

Oct 2, 2014

It's not about the number- let's start a blog revolution

Before I get into my exciting new idea, I wanted to showcase some digital prints available in my Etsy Shop just in time for Halloween!!


Each print is an instant download at 8x10 and you can get 50% off by using code THRILLER.


Alright, enough for the shameless plugs. In case you guys are living under a rock....you may have noticed that Val ended her public blog and created a new IG account.
And I totally support her.

She is on a very kick-ass journey where the end goal is to be one of those awesome bikini fitness competitors.  She has lost like....over 100 pounds and still going. And yet, after all her public struggles, all her honesty, all her soul bared to the world...people came back and relayed with words as disgusting as she should "just die."
Could you even imagine?

Sep 30, 2014

Etsy finds

Since we are on the topic of Etsy purchases, (check out my ETSY SHOP for a spooky Halloween blog header or print for your home! Don't forget to use code THRILLER for 50% all orders now through Halloween!) I wanted to highlight some of my finds today.

Sep 28, 2014

Make your Blogger header SPOOKY- A Giveaway!

Ok folks!
Lots of fun stuff on the blog today.
First up, I am easing back into blog design and thought I would start out with a fabulously spooky way to temporarily update your blog for the BEST holiday of the year - HALLOWEEN!

As you may have noticed, my blog header has been tweaked to give it a more Halloween feel!
Super cute, right?
There are six Halloween header options on my ETSY SHOP that I will be highlighting throughout October and one lucky blogger will get the chance to win one for FREE!
Here's how:

Sep 25, 2014

Chores

Man...you guys sure do love reading about sex stuff, huh? You little devils, you.
So let's talk about more sexy stuff....CHORES!!

For those of you that are living with someone in a space that requires upkeep: ie - a single family home, townhouse, condo, apartment...basically anybody that lives somewhere other than their parent's basement - tell me, how do you divvy up the chores?

When you shacked up with your roommate, lover, husband, wife, whoever....did you sit down and talk about who does what or did it all just kind of fall into place?

this isn't my house, btw. They should just burn this place down and start over.

Sep 23, 2014

Sex Confession

I am about to confess all sorts of goodies today, because I feel that AWESOME and it's awesome to feel awesome.

(disclaimer: I apologize to any family members who stumble upon this post, it might be best if you don't continue on. But if you do, I don't want to hear about it at Thanksgiving. All my love.)

And with that, let's get dirty.

Sep 21, 2014

Bathroom Update + a GIVEAWAY!

I had the MOST EXCITING weekend!
(ok...it was exciting for me, because I am odd bird, bear with me)

We are officially making headway with our bathroom re-do.
Now, the original intent was to save up some moolah, hire a professional, and have them knock out the work in a week.
So I called a couple people and had one come out for an estimate this weekend.
I told him everything we wanted to do, asked for a timeline, how many guys, etc, and he looks at me and says, "We will work on this project and have it completed in 6-7 days. Three guys. Labor is five thousand."

Gulp.
That's like....all the money we had saved up for this project.
So I tell him I will be buying the materials. I'm good at deal spotting, how much could this possibly be?

Sep 18, 2014

Festive Fall Touches

Ever since summer turned to fall in the blink of an eye and I said farewell to lazy weekends in the pool, my sights have turned inward, to my home.
I don't think I spent more than two minutes actually looking at each room, unless you count the bathroom mirror and shower wall. Those, I stare at almost daily.

There is much to be done. Much to be organized. Much to be renovated.
But until then?
We get festive.

 A few pumpkins here, a swirly corn cob there, and all of a sudden, I am starting to embrace the cooler temps, knowing there is always a blanket close by to keep me warm.

Sep 16, 2014

Humbled.

I spent the weekend in a tiny tiny town of Indiana to attend a family wedding.
It was......different.


Yes, it's country.
Yes, it was in Indiana.
Yes, it wasn't what most people would consider a fancy affair.

And I will be honest, Mark and I headed into this whole ordeal with a bit of snark and judgement.
When an invite says BYOB, lawn chairs, and a side.....you can't help but be a little concerned that the word "wedding" would actually fit into the scope of events.
Seems like more of a casual backyard bbq that we had to drive nearly four hours to get to.
I don't even own flannel. Or spurs. Or a cowboy hat. Or a bolero.
Obviously.

Sep 14, 2014

Forgiveness

Happy Monday loves,
I hope you are easing back into the work-week as smoothly as possible.
Our weekend was filled with a family wedding, and as sad as this is to admit, our first time away from our home and bulldogs at an overnight stay, in probably over a year.
Did I ever mention we hardly leave home? Ha, it's like we have a pile of tiny kids and no babysitter, only instead of a pile of kids, I have two bulldogs that hate most other dogs and each other most of the time, so finding spots for them can get dicey.

Anywho, I am writing today on the topic of forgiveness. And no, I won't get all Jesus with this post. It's more of just a general idea that I feel like comes upon me more easily these days. It might have something to do with me hitting my 30's and reining in the anger a tad, but I have learned two things in recent years:

Sep 11, 2014

One Year

September 13th marks the one year anniversary of moving into our fabulous big boy house.
One year of (slowly) making this house our home.
One year of what we could consider luxuries as compared to our prior home.
And what I mean by luxuries are: new, working windows that open and can be cleaned, lower utility bills because of new working windows, nicely insulated walls, no flood threats, space for our dogs to roam and explore without fear of attack.


Sep 9, 2014

Lifestyle changes

Happy hump day loves,
Since last week, when realizing cycle 2 didn't take, I have decided to clean up my act a bit.
I am hoping to give myself the best possible odds at beating this whole mystery infertility thing.
Here's my game plan:

Sep 8, 2014

Easy like Sunday morning

Good morning. I hope you had a relaxing and productive weekend.
We spent Sunday morning watching an F1 race, bright an early, while the dogs lounged around like they own the place.
I spent the majority of the time researching all things Italy.
I think we want to spend our 10 year anniversary there, and I suppose a six year head may be a tad overkill, but you see, we have never been out of the country. I know, I know! So I want to know about all the things.


Sep 5, 2014

When worlds collide...

Happy Friday lovelies.
My new September sponsors are up to the right. Please make sure you check out their page this month!

I wanted to clue everyone into a few updates and an exciting encounter this week!

Sep 3, 2014

No regrets

I am writing this mere days after said I needed to take a break from blogging.
However, posting it is entirely a different beast.

I have been doing a lot of necessary soul searching. Both in my personal and professional life.

You know when you are starting to get burned out with something and what used to seem like rainbows and roses but now leaves a bit of a sour taste in your mouth?

I guess I am kind of experiencing that in my life. On all fronts.

I don't talk much about my career on this blog, and I don't plan to start, but I need to get a few feelings off my chest and what better way than to dump it on the internets.

Sep 1, 2014

Laissez les bon temps rouler

Happy Labor Day! Let the good times roll, indeed. 
I'm back to doing what I love. Spilling my guts to the internet.

I have found, in the last couple of weeks, that I just adore writing. 
Part of my little bit of soul searching made me realize I was getting caught up in the business aspect of blogging too much and not focusing on the feelings and connections.
I, in no way shape or form, will ever be able to grow this blog into a business.
Business is a harsh world. I am already elbow deep in the business world in real life, and just having my family and blog to come home to make dealing with assholes so much easier.

As you have seen, I gave my blog a little hyper-colored make-over. One that I am SURE doesn't speak volumes to many of you, but I just love it.

So what else has changed?

Aug 21, 2014

Embracing Change

Hello loves,
As you all obviously know (you don't)...today is my birthday.
The big 3-1.
It kind of thrusted me into taking the plunge to....gulp...back out of blogging.

I have been randomly absent from the last week or so.
Trying to find something that will spark my attitude to keep writing, keep updating...I find myself at a loss.

Aug 13, 2014

Bitches get shit done

Welcome lovies,
It's a new day. We are past the little fall temperature hurdle that happened yesterday (seriously, it was cloudy and 50. I died a tiny bit inside) which obviously prompted me to purchase our first bottle of red wine in months.  Hello? Who drinks red wine in the summer time. No one. That's who.

Anyways, it was delicious. Thanks for asking. My go-to is typically Cupcake brand anything.

I wanted to thank you guys for your support after Monday's slightly sappy and reflective post, ie Pity Party of 1.

The beginning of a new cycle always brings a rush of adrenaline.



Aug 11, 2014

August reflection



I started writing this post after another successful pool party and another crazy day of waking up coated in sunscreen and sticky beer.
Sleep seems to miss me most nights and I toss and turn. My brain doesn't seem to shut off.
I don't mind, knowing I have these views and the warmth of summer to look forward to.

Aug 6, 2014

I'm in love with a new man

Last night I realized I had been missing something kind of important in my life.
A void only a new man could fill. (twss)
I had been contemplating the switch for a while, but was always nervous to take the leap.
This next step is important and one that I couldn't take lightly.

I spent hours weighing my options. I knew I had to make the move, but to who?
I'm not even sure what I like.....where to start.
Who would make me love them at first sight? Is that even possible?
Well I am here to tell you, that yes, yes it is possible.
Is it absolutely possible to lay eyes on a new man and know, in that very instant, he is meant to be yours.

We belong together.

Meet my new man...

Aug 4, 2014

Weekend in Photos


We didn't make it to Harbor Days (which I will eternally feel guilty about) because I managed to get so drunk, just Mark and I, in the pool on Saturday that I couldn't manage to dress myself or think straight.
Fighting ensued and the rest is history. I felt terrible that we didn't go. Mark was looking forward to it for a long time.

Sunday was a lot better.
We made amends (I temporarily sobered up), cleaned the house and prepped for another impromptu pool party.

Enjoy!

Aug 1, 2014

Cool weather changes

I have an itch.
Summer time is (unfortunately) winding down and with the cooler weather comes me getting antsy about what I'm going to do to stay busy in the winter when I can't go outside and do fun things.

I was texting a friend yesterday that I have a bunch of goals and to do's already lined up of things I would like to get accomplished pre-baby, because we all know the money will magically disappear afterward.

Since August is my birthday month and I am turning 31, it only seems appropriate that I (finally) buy myself an adult purse. I seem to literally tear through each cheap-o purse I acquire in a matter of months and it's about time to consider some more sturdy options. Read: expensive.

Jul 30, 2014

Clomid Update: The Aftermath

Hi there lovelies.
I wanted to give you a quick update as to the aftermath of taking these dreaded Clomid pills.

So, I told you how after 2+ years of bangin' it out old school, our feeble attempts at baby making led me to gear up for my first clomid cycle.

Then, I started Clomid and told you how I felt during the pill-taking phase.

And now here we are, 3 dpo (days past ovulation, for you non-TTC folks).
So what's been happening?
Well, I'm not happy. Not at all.

Jul 28, 2014

$25 Target Gift Card Giveaway

Hi all!
As a huge thank you to my July sponsors, please try your hand at the giveaway below!!
Follow as many as you would like and remember, the more gals you follow the most chances you get to win!
All entries will be verified. Contest ends 7/31/14 @ midnight.
Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Jul 25, 2014

Restructuring

The norm these days is that blog-land is a bit of a ghost town.
Some people have been freaking out a bit....but honestly, I think it's great.
It means that people aren't relying on technology to have a good time. They are outside and actually talking to other people to entertainment vs. worrying about how many followers/likes/comments they are getting on their blog.

Jul 22, 2014

Happy 3rd Birthday Burn!

Today you are three.


Jul 21, 2014

Clomid is my friend...sorta

Popping in real quick to drop a little more knowledge to you and give you an update to my side effects of starting my first Clomid round.

No photos, sorry. I hosted a very kick ass baby shower for a dear work friend (sea monster themed!) and I need to do a recap of that but at this rate and this summer, posts are few and far between. I'm not even sorry for it. Summer will be over before we know it and I'm not about to spend my time on the computer when I should have my ass outside in the pool with a cocktail.

So, Saturday night I started my first of five days with Clomid.
I read and read and read all of the info about why I am taking it when I was told and what side effects I should expect or could expect....the usual.

Here's what I know (Disclaimer: This is from my Googles reading. I am not a doctor, so just take what I say with a grain of salt and know that although I do love research, what I am saying isn't an ends to a means. Your doc will probably give you your own set of guidelines and rules...follow them. They *typically* know best!)

Jul 16, 2014

The C Word


Not See You Next Tuesday.
Although, that may be what people may be calling me once I start this next cycle's MEDICATION.
Oh yes folks....we have sped past all attempts at anything that would be considered a natural take on getting knocked up and have hit the door labeled medicated.

Clomid, to be exact.

Jul 11, 2014

Mrs. McPeePants

Raise your hands if you have peed your pants before?
:crickets:

Um....no, honey. You are all lying and I can see you and your wet swamp crotch.

I have. And shockingly, it has nothing to do with shoving a watermelon sized baby out of a lemon sized vagina. Which, would actually be a perfectly acceptable excuse and one that I will most definitely exercise on the daily because dudes....it's a problem.

I don't just pee my pants for fun. Or because it's cool.


Jul 9, 2014

Vulnerable

I flipped out on Mark last night.
I didn't really know why it came to that, but it did, and it's over now.
I had some random dude pass me and say "you are beautiful" to which I responded "thanks, so does my husband" and proceeded to walk home.
My husband didn't say those things. Instead, he said Hi and plopped right back down on the couch to watch TV, saying "work was tough."
The dog is dragging his ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM and he "doesn't notice."
So I grab the dog so I can clean out his tail, and proceed to brush is teeth and ears and face folds as well.
Because.....that's what I do. I jump the other dog and do the same.
I walk upstairs to the second bathroom and out of the corner of my eye notice the two yellow stains on the carpet that didn't fully clean up after I tackled them....twice.

Jul 1, 2014

HSG Test Success

I know you have all been on the edge of your seats waiting for my results, so let's hop to it!
(PS- if you follow me on Instagram, then you already know!)
Everyone else....well, here's what happened...

Jun 30, 2014

The Devil is Misoprostol

Oh hey girl....haaaiiii.
Let me fill you in on what's been going on this weekend and the first half of this week.

Dudes that read this.....it's about to get hot n' heavy....in the baby-making ladybit department, so you may or may not want to tune in for the rest.
You've been warned.

Jun 26, 2014

well, well, well


It seems all of blog land is on their period this week. Is this what is happening people?
We all start following each other and our flows sync up?
I have just been reading bitch fest after bitch fest, and don't get me wrong...I heart all of it.
I was actually just thinking that it has "been a while" since bloggers ruffled some feathers.
I like that style a bit. I blame a spout of shittier weather this week along with good ole' Aunt Flo.

Candra from Camo and Lipstick reached out to me this week via Facebook and suggested we team up for a giveaway. I'm always looking for a way to engage not only my readers, but to connect with fellow bloggers, so we quickly came up with a giveaway idea, that, I must admit, is pretty awesome.

It's awesome because it is going to take a while to get to the actual giveaway.
And I'm sure you're thinking, "that's not awesome for me" and to that I say..."pissshaw"
BECAUSE...your giveaway is going on a bit of journey before it ends up in your hands.
We were also able to wrangle up 22 other bloggers to participate, including some of more well known ones.
(This also started a bit of a weird email fan-dom chain yesterday, which was both hilarious and psychotic)

Jun 24, 2014

June Sponsor Zappos.com Giveaway

Time for another Giveaway!!
This is a $35 Zappos.com gift card giveaway as a huge THANK YOU to my sponsors!!
Please check out each and every blog. 
Follow the ones you love.
The more entries the better your shot of winning!

Contest runs today through Friday! Winner will be announced next Monday!!

And don't forget, I am accepting July sponsors this week!
I have a few spots open still. First come first serve!
Email me at handsonpantsoff@gmail.com to reserve your spot!
$15 Newbies and $10 Veteran Rate
Check out my Sponsor tab for stats.

You get a button and a shout-out on a high traffic day that will link to at least two of your social media outlets. Plus, you are automatically entered into one of these giveaways at the end of the month to guarantee new followers!! Do it!

Good luck!!



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Jun 23, 2014

90 Day Bikini Challenge Results

Here we go!
I spent 90 days with Val kicking my own ass and these are the results.
Did I turn into a rock-hard bikini competition god?
Hell no.
Did I get my period the same day as the results photos?
Yes, I did.
Do I care?
Not really.
I'm happy to be tighter, toner, leaner, etc. It's not extraordinary and I didn't weigh or measure myself.
A tan and a smile go a long way, and so does a cute bikini.
I'm happy with the results. I even took the last week off of working out. Kind of got burned out.
Will I be back to sweating this week?
You bet.

Feast your eyes:

How to pull off a Surprise Party

As you may know, I threw a surprise 60th birthday party for my momma yesterday.
After narrowly avoiding a heart attack and total meltdown and having my husband tell me to get my ever loving shit together, it worked (some-what) and the party went off without a hitch.
Here are the steps (in case you too would like a panic party of 1 in the near future)


Jun 20, 2014

Tia Land

Here's what's going on in my neck of the woods this week and the upcoming week
(if you don't want to know, just make sure you enter the GIVEAWAY and have a good weekend!)

Jun 18, 2014

Throw Back Thursday

Hashtag Throwbackthursday
Wait....that's not how you do it?
Now I see why I'm not twittering my twat on Twitter.

Anyways, I normally don't post on Thursday, but I just happen to be scanning and uploading and editing a slide show for my mom's birthday so I figured I would give you a photo dump of me as a kid.

And now you will all know why I am insane and have a love for neon.

You're welcome. Enjoy!

Jun 17, 2014

Start of Summer $100 Victoria's Secret Giveaway!

It's that time everybody!! 
I have for you a chance to win $100 from Victoria's Secret, brought to you by the following fantastic chicks that have graciously put up with my emails and annoyances! 

Please meet:
Darci with Strongly Feminine
Kati with She's A Jewell
Laura with Life with Lolo
Jasmine representing her Fleurty Bands store
Brittney with Brittney Breaking Free
 
I couldn't be happier with the group! 
I hope you check out their blogs and become super fans!

Contest runs today and ends at midnight this Saturday, June 21st. 
The official start of summer!

Enter the Rafflecopter below! You have many, many chances to win.
All entries will be verified so please make sure you are truly following the selected social media outlets.
(You are going to want to anyways...did I mention these ladies rock the house?)

 Good luck!!


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a Rafflecopter giveaway




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Jun 16, 2014

Upcoming Sexy Summer Giveaway!

Do you like free shit?
What if it was for a hot bikini or cover-up or work out gear? 
(Or something sexy for the one time a month you give it up to your man...ha)
Either way, make sure to check back Wednesday for a chance to win $100 to Victoria's Secret!
These lovely ladies want you to want awesome shit. 

Giveaway starts Wednesday and ends, guess when?
Saturday, June 21. The official Start of Summer!


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Jun 13, 2014

Combat Against Office Ebola

Dudes. I'm in deep. In the trenches.
It's time to fight back because this 'ish is getting old.
Time for....

Jun 12, 2014

I have enough

I don't talk about work much on the blog....if ever. But I had a eye-opening conversation and realization yesterday with a newer co-worker that I just had to share.
Okay, I should preface, I have always had this "realization" but I guess that how it came up yesterday confirmed a lot about me.

So, boring stuff aside, we hired a new finance person who will ultimately be our CFO. I am transitioning the daily finance portion of my job to her as it was technically not really part of my job description, but hey, when you're a small company, you wear a lot of hats, right?
I must admit though, I am kind of happy to be letting it go sooner than later. The great thing about this new person is I feel like she will kind of be my in-office mentor in a way....guiding me through the transition and offering insight.

Jun 11, 2014

Simple. Fit. Fun.

It's Wednesday mo-fo's!
It's super dreary here. A lot of rain and I actually had to thrown on my jacket.
Not overly upset about it considering I have been battling another round of ebola for three days.
Back in the office today. No more razor throat. Just slow and a bit tired feeling.

I managed to work out Friday through Sunday over the weekend, but have chosen sleep over AM workouts every day this week. Suck it weights. I need to get better.

While I was cooped up this weekend in an attempt to keep my germs contained, I finished up my latest blog design upgrade for a sweet lady named Bailey.

Here is the finished product.

Jun 5, 2014

15 on Friday

I am stealing a random list from Camo and Lipstick because you need to read some funny shit on a Friday and I need to get a blog post in while I am traveling.

You're welcome. I give you.....15 Random Facts.

Jun 4, 2014

Louisville Bound

Oh. Mah. Gah Becky.....this week has been a shit storm.
Our company is heading to our annual retreat and the location this year is Louisville.
I have been training a new person and creating an hour long presentation to boot. Trying to keep a presentation on Purchase Policies fun is seriously difficult.

Any of your lovely blogging ladies local?
If so! Let me know and maybe I can break away from work for a drink!!
We are staying at the 21c Museum Hotel and I am super pumped. This place looks awesome!!

Jun 2, 2014

I have the sexiest sidebar on the block

Yo.
Popping in real quick to introduce everyone to some badass bitches.
As you have, clearly, already noticed, my right sidebar has been taken over by some of the sassiest ladies in the blogging world.
At least I think so.

Please welcome:

May 29, 2014

Sorry, not Sorry Link-Up

Oh hey there!
Do you know what happens when you pair up two sexy bitches who blog?


We do a link-up....obviously.



This is the PET PEEVES EDITION.
Write ten pet peeve sentences, starting with "Sorry, I'm not sorry but" and start venting!!
Then, come on back to our blogs, leave a comment, and link-up!!
Best pet peeves wins a Starbuck's Gift Card!

You ready? Here are mine:

May 22, 2014

10 Things About Me and a Zappos Giveaway!

Here are ten random facts about me:

1) The last time I puked was Sunday. Way to go champ....you just recovered from ebola and went on a drinking binge. Luckily your husband fed you bread after said puking until you passed out.

2) I am a Michael Jackson FANATIC and may or may not have watched THIS VIDEO a million times at work yesterday. (I did)


May 21, 2014

60 Day Bikini Check-In and other stuff

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Dudes.
Val gives everyone a 90 day fitness challenge to get into shape for summer where you are supposed to lose inches, tone up, and get your fat ass in shape...and guess what?
I think I'm doing the opposite.
Like....I lift weights 3-4 days a week and do cardio the rest and for some reason I feel like I look bigger in the 60 days pics vs. the 30 days.....amiright?
It's okay. We'll get there. But sweet baby jebus....come on with it.

Here's the beginning:

May 16, 2014

I'm not funny

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Dudes.
I have been trying to write something of any importance for the whole week. Seriously.
Something, anything, that would be considered worthy of reading and yet....nothing.
Nothing funny, nothing serious, nothing anything. Just nothing.

Besides the fact that it is fucking SNOWING outside and I am wrapping up day 2 of my ebola from some fuck-tard that licked my phone (just kidding, that didn't really happen) I am all out of inspiration.

Crash is doing much better, by the way. Still a little limpy in the morning but his wounds are healing nicely.
I am on my 10th sickness of the winter. Yea, I said winter. Remember how I just said it is snowing?
May 16th obviously still means winter.
I haven't been able to work out in two days and my muscles feel tight and antsy.
I just broke a glass candle holder with my laptop to write this post.
I spent most of my sick day yesterday deep cleaning cat hair out of my carpets and detailing the exterior window sills of the house, in my pj's. You're welcome for the sight neighbors.

So with that, I hunted the interwebs (ie- looked at my Blogger list) and found that a chick I follow, Helene in Between, is doing a large link-up with "Firsts."

May 12, 2014

1st Hubby Jack Client + Dog Update


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Popping in real quick to get you guys a little update to my weekend.

First, I had the lovely Lindsay e-mail me late last week asking for me to pick up where Hubby Jack left off in her blog design. She blogs over at Bourbon, Lipstick, and Stilettos and is very much a girly girl with a bit of an edge. This Kentuckian talks about her obsession with make-up and other fab lady products so I wanted to make sure her design had that tough girl feel about it.

Here is the finished product:

May 8, 2014

There's no niche

Apparently this week is all about reflecting on life and junk.
Bear with me.
I promise it won't be all philosophical for too much longer. 
I mean, there is plenty of smack talk and drinking and shenanigans to partake in so I'll wrap this up quick. 
Promise.

Anyways, as you may be aware, I talk about almost everything on this little ole' blog of mine.  There is not much of a filter and there is not much clarity to any of it.
Some days are purely rage filled while others are hopeful and inspiring and then the next minute I'm talking about heaux's and boobs and we're all sliding down a slip-n-slide to Hell together because you know you are laughing about it.

May 6, 2014

When are you guys going to have kids?

The all too familiar question I just know most ladies get asked the second they get married.
For Mark and I, we actually never got that question until recently. 
I guess our family always knew we weren't really "into" kids and for a very long time neither of us wanted to bother.
And then I flipped the script two years ago and now it's a thing.
It's a frustrating thing, quite frankly.
Spring is among us and the layers upon layers of winter clothing are being shed and the one thing I always notice are cute little baby bumps of the Chicago ladies gearing up for late summer or fall babies.
I want that.

So where are we with baby-making?

May 5, 2014

Keep Going

Sunday was rough because Saturday was awesome.
I woke up with the worst hang over I have had in a long time.
You know the one....the one where you probably should have thrown up at some point in the night but never did and now that pukey heavy-headed feeling is in full force.
And the bags under your eyes have their own bags.
And your skin is dry and pale (okay, that might be winter related...I digress)

May 1, 2014

The Commuter's Uniform- Rain Edition

Many of you know that I hoof it on foot to work every day.
My "dream" when we moved was to be able to walk to and from the train each day because my road rage is out of control and I just know one day I am going to mow over a minivan with those stupid fucking stick figure families on the back.

I already have to walk 15 minutes from the train to the office, so what's another five to get from my doorstep to the train? It's all about priorities.

Anyways, I have been fine tuning my "uniform" as I like to call it, for approximately 11 years.
That's how long I have been traveling via train, whether it was for school or work.

Apr 29, 2014

Baby Gender Reveal Photo Shoot

I had the honor of participating in my great friend's Baby Gender Reveal.
She works with me (at my real job) and is hands down the sweetest person I have ever met in real life.
She asked if I could be one of her Day Bitches and of COURSE I makes it fabulous.


Apr 27, 2014

Pimp Yourself Out- May Edition

It's time for Pimp Yourself Out- The May Edition!

I am revamping the trend and giving you three options to show others how awesome you are.

THE FREE OPTION:
Leave me a comment, with a link or website (that's not spam).
Tell me what you having going on.
Tell me how awesome your blog is.
Tell my about your new shop.
Tell me about your new recipe!
Tell me about your family, your dogs, your children.
Anything....just Talk to Tia and pimp. it. out.

Apr 24, 2014

Why Gina Linetti is my soul mate

Like..lady soul mate.
Not, lover soul mate.
Well, what the Hell, maybe that too (sorry Mark)

Can we talk about this sassy bitch for a hot minute? Because I LOVE. HER.
If you fools have no idea who I am talking about then you best check out your On Demand section of Comcast and look for Brooklyn Nine Nine.
And then watch every show, non-stop, until you are caught up.

Lesbihonest, I almost feel like Gina was fashioned after my go-get 'em attitude at the office.


Apr 23, 2014

What makes you so Pinteresting?

Pinterest has always fascinated me.
I will admit, I am slow to get up to speed with all the different social medias.
I am not yet a part of instagram....I don't understand it.
I feel like I truly believe in a quote from Two Broke Girls, "Twitter is for morons and Instagram is Twitter for people that can't read."
But I'm open to opinions....is Instagram everything it's cracked up to be?
What's with all the hashtags? What do people do with them?
Do people actually engage in said hashtags? I laughed, when Mama Laughlin proclaimed that she thought they were pound signs. I, too, thought the same thing. I'm like..."what, are we calling people now?"
And then Val hashtagged #pow and I nearly pissed myself with how awesome that is.
Pow! Like in the old Batman comics.

Apr 22, 2014

BLOGGER MAKE-OVER GIVEAWAY

So this awesome lady lets me give her a blog make-over and this is how it turned out.

BEFORE:



AFTER:



Apr 21, 2014

Do you know who I am?

I'm kind of a big deal.
At least, in my head I think I am.

I wanted to give you a little back story as to who I am, how I came to be a blogger, and why you may already know me from a "previous blogging life."

My name is Tia. Nice ta' meecha'.


Let's talk about all the Giveaways!

I feel like I got hit by a truck. I didn't even really drink or eat that much this weekend.
I blame my super-overly-excited attitude about the fact that is was damn near 80 degrees this weekend!
That, my friends, is a good problem to have.

What is not good is we will soon be approaching the time of year where I doubt the effectiveness of any deodorant that isn't a Rx, and start walking like a cowgirl that got slammed a little too hard over the weekend, just so my parts don't touch other parts and the sweat doesn't increase.

Apr 17, 2014

The day Bayou decked a goose

You guys.
I was chatting with a co-worker about parks and goose shit, you know, because that is totally normal, when I remembered a story Bayou told me.
See, he is an animal lover just like me. He works outdoors and around a lot of water, and there have been countless times he has had to save an animal from drowning or dying or whatever.
I know...he's a stand-up guy I tell ya.
Anyways, dry your panties out and let's get back to the story.

Apr 15, 2014

So I bought a bikini,

and realized immediately that I am a bit doughy. And a bit saggy.
Shit.

Now don't get me wrong, it could be A LOT worse. A lot.
But it reminds me of last winter where I just kept eating and not really working out. Too much sitting by the fire because it's -40 outside and all my parts starting to implode on themselves.
My ass flattens out.
My hips settle into my saddle bags.
I generally just feel wider.

But no, I didn't go up a pants size or anything, I just expand in different ways that I'm not a fan of.
There are less curves or more lines, if you get what I'm saying.
I like curves.
I mean, look at my poor ass.  And poor Bayou, he is an ass man. And this is what I have to offer.

Apr 13, 2014

Don't let it ruin your day

I am laying in bed. The lights have just been turned off for the night. It is silent.
But I'm awake.
Clenching my fists. My whole body is tense and tight.
I am replaying the course of events over and over, thinking, "Does she even know how rude that was?"
The reality is no. She probably doesn't.
I sigh more loudly than I intended. Resolve to let go. Move on. Clear my head.
It's not doing me any good and the alarm clock will be shocking me awake in less time than I had hoped.

Apr 10, 2014

Gallery Print DIY

We finally hung the gallery prints I had been obsessing over.
They were inspired by some images I found on Pinterest, of course.


Intense Debate blows

My commenting system sucks.
I installed Intense Debate to allow other readers the chance to link their current post to their comment so that all the interwebs could see.
But what happened is I think I am replying to everyone, but in reality, it only shows up on my blog so everyone thinks I am ignoring them.

Apr 8, 2014

Summer running, happened so fast

(you know you just sang that title) :)
I thought I would share a little playlist I used for my first run of 2014.


Apr 6, 2014

and the winner is.....

The winner of the Etsy Pet Print Giveaway is Danielle T!!
Come on down!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

For those of you that didn't win this week, please remember to use Discount Code HOPO3OFF at my Etsy store to get $3 OFF the price of your order!! Any and all orders donate 25% of their proceeds to Animal House Shelter. So you get a super cute print and you get to help a pup in need!  How cool?!

A quick tip for ordering: You will want to order one of the top four images that look like these:

Apr 3, 2014

Take a heart attack. Have a baby.

Bayou likes to describe the terrible notion of dealing with a heart attack as TAKING one.
As he describes, he can't watch scary movies otherwise he will take a heart attack.
So, of course, amused as always, I ask him to elaborate.

Apr 1, 2014

Pimp Yourself Out - April Edition

The best part of blogging is getting the chance to connect with other bloggers.
These women (and men) talk about what they feel is important in their lives, with a glimmer of hope that there will be other people out there who are in the same crazy boat as them.

So how do we gain exposure?
How do we gain readers?

I honestly have no clue...but I can help.

I'm starting a new monthly trend where you the readers (whether it's as a blogger or not) can go right ahead and pimp yourself out on my blog. That's right. Talk about it. A lot.
For Free.

Mar 31, 2014

New Website and Etsy Store Lauch- AND A GIVEAWAY!

Hands on. Pants off. The new website.
CrashandBurnGraphics. The new Etsy shop.

Both of these are a labor of love for the past few months and I am so very excited to present both of them to you.  While you are perusing the new website, be sure to click on all the new buttons and gadgetry.
Not to brag, but I learned a lot in the process regarding coding and pretty-fying your blog (and don't worry, there will be another giveaway for blog design coming soon).

Mar 27, 2014

What's on the horizon (think free shit)

Let's call this a soft opening. It's soft because I haven't spent enough time to get this blog where it needs to be just yet and I'm too excited not to tell you all what is going on.

We'll have the hard opening April 1. (that's what she said)
How hard will it be?
You will want to stick around. I am giving away some fantastic shit.

Mar 24, 2014

Getting closer !

Dudes.
Can I just pat myself on the back for a hot second? I mean, have you LOOKED at this new blog?
Don't get me wrong, I still have to work out some kinks and fill in some info, but I am so very close to the new launch April 1.
I hope you are impressed.
This shit has been hard (twss) but totally worth it.

And guess what?

Mar 17, 2014

Work- Ready in 15 minutes

Someone's got a case of the Monday's.
Does anyone else get super exhausted for the first couple of days of Ye Old Monthly Hag?
I sure do.
I have been trying to combat the tireds and bloats by making a point to work out every day.
Today was no exception.


Mar 14, 2014

I made it!

The sun is shining!
We are wrapping up the terrible audit week.
I spent far too many hours in this office, scanned far too many documents, and explained our software structure far too many times to the same people.
Over and over and over again.

But we did it. Today's the last day.

I get to go back to a normal schedule!
I get to sleep in past 5am!

So how did I do?

Mar 10, 2014

Plan for the week

Oh hey.
Popping in here to give you a run down of my upcoming week.
It's going to be a shit storm.
I won't be back til it's over.
Here's why.

Mar 6, 2014

Frugal Friday: Motion with the Lotion

Let's talk about lotion.
Pronounced LOHzun in our household, and at work for some reason..
So I buy the Jergens.
I LIVE by the Jergens.
I LOVE the Jergens.

But my Jergens bottles don't love me back like they should.
So I cut them.