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Jul 9, 2014

Vulnerable

I flipped out on Mark last night.
I didn't really know why it came to that, but it did, and it's over now.
I had some random dude pass me and say "you are beautiful" to which I responded "thanks, so does my husband" and proceeded to walk home.
My husband didn't say those things. Instead, he said Hi and plopped right back down on the couch to watch TV, saying "work was tough."
The dog is dragging his ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM and he "doesn't notice."
So I grab the dog so I can clean out his tail, and proceed to brush is teeth and ears and face folds as well.
Because.....that's what I do. I jump the other dog and do the same.
I walk upstairs to the second bathroom and out of the corner of my eye notice the two yellow stains on the carpet that didn't fully clean up after I tackled them....twice.

Storming back downstairs...I lose it. Which is totally the proper response to a stain on a carpet, right?
I am fussing at Mark....don't you ever even bother to look around at what goes on in this house?!? Why is all this bullshit the WOMAN'S or the MOM'S job? Is it so hard to just do this shit from time to time....HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WALK OVER THOSE TWO STAINS UPSTAIRS AND CHOOSE TO IGNORE THEM?
jesus.

I hit up the Googles and find out that the same de-skunking concoction I use on the dogs also works wonders for stain removal. I whip that shit up, and back upstairs I go to tackle the stains for the third time. A bit of elbow grease and they are gone finally.

But of course I'm not done bitching. Mark comes up to see if I'm still throwing a fit, which I am, and proceeds to ask me just what in the Hell is wrong with me.
My response?
"Why do I bother keeping myself in shape and putting it together for you when you don't even notice me? I have random people on the streets telling me I look pretty and you can't even say anything? Aren't you attracted to me? Am I just your trophy wife to show off to other people but you really don't care one way or another?"....and the ranting goes on an on.

But I thought, or at least I thought, the message is clear.

YOU AREN'T PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO ALL MY HARD WORK.
EVEN THE SMALLEST STUFF.

We don't speak for the rest of the night and go to bed early.
Next morning? Mark likes to think that if we just go to bed, it fixes itself. But we're still not talking until he is walking out the door.  "Well I'm leaving...see ya later babe."

BABE? Um...no.. this isn't over. Yes I'm still mad.

We argue more and more about how I am questioning his parenting tactics (for a kid we don't even have yet) and I am drilling him about whether he thinks this shit is going to fly to just hand off the kid when it gets too tough or too whiny or whatever....because MOM KNOWS BEST.
Well what about dad?  Shouldn't he be in the mix so in case I'm not around he can 'handle it'?

I finally just stop...and tear up a bit.
I confess I don't feel like we appreciate each other sometimes. Which we are BOTH guilty of.
He agrees, because there is plenty that he does every day to keep our life and our home and our marriage going that I completely overlook as well.

I confess I am nervous about the next steps with getting pregnant if a natural cycle doesn't work.
I got a call Sunday night from my gyno as a follow up to the procedure last week, and she tells me that if this cycle didn't work, she wants to start me on Clomid the next round.
And honestly, for months I have been all nonchalant about it...No big deal. Do what you gotta do- type attitude.
Well....now it's becoming a reality. And I KNOW that millions of women have already taken drugs to get pregnant, and more...lots more. I guess I'm just a little nervous. The side effects. The (slightly) upped chance of twins. The fact that I have to take drugs in general, just to get pregnant...because I, as a woman, am not working correctly.
It all kind of slapped me in the face this week and caused me to have Blogger's writers block and lash out at my husband.
Not fair to anyone.

So we wait. I search the Googles endlessly doing research and reading a bunch of forums about other people's experiences. We shall see what the future holds. Until then...there is plenty of Bud Lite to calm my nerves.


Until next time.

14 comments:

  1. I've found that it's easier for me to lash out at the people I care about the most when I'm upset or angry. Here's to hoping everything goes as planned for you.

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  2. My husband thinks the same way, if we just go to bed tomorrow will all be unicorns and cheesburgers with no calories. Hell no! As far as the drugs to get pregnant thing goes, you know how I feel about that. I felt defeated and like I was letting down every woman in the world by not doing what I was put on this earth to do. I felt cheated. But tomorrow is a new day and you keep on keeping on, I am a mother no matter how it happend, a mother to two beautiful souls that think, as my oldest told me last night "prettier than a butterfly" that my dear makes the struggle to get them worth it!

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  3. Oh girl I'm sorry! I get it thought. I've had a very similar flip out on more than one occasion.

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  4. My boyfriend is the same way and it drives me insane. MEN!
    Dont worry Tia, everything is going to be okay and you're allowed to lash out from time to time, everyone does.

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  5. Gosh, I know it must be tough to be going thru all of that:( I know so many friends that have gone through TTC ups and downs. Hang in there honey!!! You are most certainly not alone and it will get better!!!

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  6. I think you have every right to the feel the way you do, it hurts when your partner doesn't notice you anymore and the "fire burns out". Relationships require a lot of work and sometimes people get too comfortable and forget that. He needs to put forth and effort, you both do. And I absolutely can't stand when people think if you just go to sleep that the problem fixes itself and it's over. I hope you two can heal and move on from this soon; two lives coming together will always require maintenance.

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  7. We ALL have those insane moments where just flip our shit. They happen, we learn from them, we move it. Hopefully we are better from it, that's all you can ask for. At least you seemed to find the root of the issue and deal with it, that seems like a strong relationship to me...even if you don't feel it when you are screaming at your hubs! Thanks for sharing, because we know relationships aren't all sunshine and rainbows!

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  8. You poor thing. This all has to be so overwhelming and upsetting. I can't even imagine what you're going thru. Sometimes a good bitch fest really helps clear the brain, tho. You're lucky to have a great guy to take it and act like all's well the next morning. :)

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  9. I'm so sorry Tia, I totally hear you on this one. A good friend of mine told me that women will ALWAYS feel under appreciated when it comes to the home front because let's face it, we do most everything. And men will always feel under appreciated when it comes to how hard they work. Granted I know you work as well - but, the general gist is there. Men have the pressure to provide. Women have the pressure to tend, care, and well - get shit done. And it's hard for each other to fully understand the other.

    Remember I'm just up the road! I hope we can share a glass of wine soon. You can alway text when you're on the train and I come visit you or vice versa! Doesn't have to be a weekend :)

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  10. We struggle with this a lot, too. It's hard to show appreciation for one another because we all get caught up in the routine! Hope today was a better day

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  11. what was your pet stain miracle remover you whipped up!?!? I've got a huge one from when we had my brothers dog in two on top of my two... and I can't get it up for the life of me!!

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  12. 3/4 cup hydrogen peroxide, 3 tsp. baking soda, a tiny squirt of Dawn soap in a squeeze bottle. Shake everything up and apply and blot! Worked like a charm! And please leave your email so we can be friends love!

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  13. New blog reader here…the same thing happens all too often in our house too. One (or sometimes both) of us end up taking our frustrations out on the other one & things get blown way out of proportion.
    I know how emotional the TTC process is. I always felt like I was defective because my body couldn't carry a pregnancy to term. I will be praying for y'all!

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  14. Sounds like you and I and Mark and Steve are very much alike. Steve seems to think problems go away without discussing them as long as we've had a good night's sleep. And by 'good night's sleep,' I mean him sleeping like a baby and me being up all night, seething, tossing and turning. Since I've lost the 30 pounds over these few months, all I want for Steve is to tell me how hot I am. Instead, I have guys checking me out at the bar the other night. Not the same. I get it.
    I know it must be disheartening at the thought of having to take medication to get pregnant, when it seems like everyone around you seems to get pregnant when "they weren't even trying!!!!!!" Stay strong, my love <3

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