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Oct 5, 2014

we are going granola....kinda

First up, how awesome is my spooky Halloween header up top?
Another fun example would be She's A Jewell. Go check out those pumpkins!
Halloween blog headers are only $5 from my Etsy Shop this month with code THRILLER.
Have you purchased yours yet?

Thank you for all the feedback regarding the Promote the Love link-up idea. We will be doing it at least once a month. I have already added the button to my sidebar for easy access when it's time to link-up. Details to follow! I can't wait to hear about everyone else's blog loves in life!!

OK, onto the real post.
I have been doing a bit of soul searching.
Trying to find answers.
I'm frustrated. I'm confused. I'm trying to find hope.

Three rounds of Clomid down the tubes....or out the tubes, however you want to look at it.
And I have nothing to show for it besides a heavier mid-section.
The good news with taking the drugs thus far is that my progesterone levels went up, which is needed to be able to sustain a pregnancy if it were to happen.
Pre-medicated I was at a 7.4 on Day 21
The first Clomid cycle wasn't monitored.
Second: 15.8
Third: 20.2

My doc's nurse called after my last draw and seemed very optimistic. Her voice was almost sing-songy.
"Call us when you miss your period."
Wow. A smile broadened across my face. This could really be it.
But then I got myself in check.
Tia, you don't feel any different. In fact, you feel less symptoms now than before.
But maybe that's a symptom!
I tell Mark and he is hopeful but equally cautious.
He tells me to just wait and don't go off the deep end, either way, with emotions.
He hates seeing me on this roller coaster of hope then despair, month after month.

And guess what? Nothing happened.
My period came right on time, on day 25, just like the last 3 cycles.
Did I cry? Yes. For five minutes.
And then I got angry.
And then I resolved to just move forward. No need in dwelling on a failure. I have literally been to this rodeo every month for two years. It's nothing new.

And I have yet to call my doctor.
I know that I could probably convince her to keep me on Clomid for a couple more cycles, but her first piece of information was that I get three and I move onto a fertility specialist.
She did indicate that she would allow more cycles, but regardless, I am taking a month off from medication.
Even if I start right back up next month. I need a mini-break from the pills.
And yes, I tracked my days, and drank a beer here and there during the week, and kind of stressed out the last few days of my cycle...all the things I said I wouldn't do. I did them, kind of.
I can't help it.

I called another doctor. And set up a consultation. It couldn't hurt to get a second opinion and I keep saying that I am not entirely happy with my current doc so what harm is there?

Last night I broke down finally after I frazzled myself with endless online research. Debating different methods, stressing out about time frames, etc.

I have always added guidelines and stipulations to getting pregnant:
- We can only have a baby in the spring/summer
- We can only try X for 6 months
- We will not do IVF or seek further treatment outside of pills
- I WILL have a baby by 30, and then it was 31, and now it may be 32, but really it could be 35.

And guess what? You can't have these types of plans.
I am sure God is just laughing at my lists and research and planning.

Mark keeps saying that it would be really nice if we could just try really hard every month and be genuinely surprised that it finally worked. Millions of couples don't let it be the focus of every month and it seems to work for them.
And to be honest, we aren't broken. Yes, Mark has a borderline morphology issue, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. All the reports and statistics I have read only say that it will just take longer
:shocking:
And yes, I have lower progesterone. Does this mean I can't get pregnant or that I'm not ovulating?
Nope. I am and I will....eventually.  I finally busted out my granola tactics and we have a new game plan.
Just go with the flow.
There are ways to raise progesterone naturally, by eating the right foods and taking the right supplements.  I have a bottle of Fertilaid at my disposal that contains fantastic progesterone enhancing and hormone balancing ingredients like Zinc, B6, Vitamin C, and Vitex.
It can't hurt to change it up a little. And it won't hurt my body or make me insanely bloated, angry, hot, or gain weight like Clomid did.

I can't put a timeframe on this. I mean, I could, but I will end up in IVF territory faster than you can blink an eye. And we aren't at that point yet. I'm not at the end of my fertile rope in both age or energy, so there is no use forcing something that I just know will happen.

I keep reading blogs like this birth story, and find myself tearing up. Not because her story sounds incredibly painful....but because it was all worth it.

We will get there, and it will all be worth it.





9 comments:

  1. Oh my love, I guess I could be all sweetness and light and say "that which does not kill you makes you stronger," "It will hppen when it's meant to be," yada yada yaa, but I don't know if hearts and flowers is what you need. Reading this makes me sad and frustrated for you and Mark, and if I feel that wy, I can't imagine how you guys feel. I think getting a second opinion is one of the absolute best things you can do, and I'm very happy you went ahead and scheduled a consultation. A second set of eyes certainly can't hurt! I heart you. And when you get there, it will all be worth it. <3

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  2. I feel like I am holding your hand thru this....I remember it all exactly the same way as you have described like it was yesterday. You know how you cant remember what you had for dinner last night or what shirt you wore last Tuesday. But yet, I remember my composition book I declared "the baby book" that I carried around with me for years describing in detail, my period (or lack there of) the meds, the tests, the appointments, the negative test results, what I ate, what not to eat, how to sit, and any "generic" old wives tale on how to get pregnant. It was a dark time in my life but yet I remember ever second, every feeling every time someone told me "when you stop thinking about it, it will happen" ohhhh how I hate that saying. As I picked up my almost 6 1/2 year old daughter this weekend and she wrapped her arms around my neck, I almost broke my back. How in the world did she get so big, when did that happen? Was I not paying attention when she started to roll over for the first time, NO, did I look away for a second when she learned how to walk, NO, did I not remember when she started talking NO. I remember all those days and seconds too, but I still have to remind myself how I wished, hoped, lit candles, crossed my fingers and whatever else wishing for her. Now I still look at her in amazement. She is EVERYTHING I ever wished for and more, more than I could ever imagine she would be.....along with her is her equally amazing sister. The one that was never planned for, especially after years and years of wanting, hoping and wishing and the "professionals" telling you, "we cant determine why your not able to get pregnant" The feisty, funny, beautiful sister. They said you cant get pregnant again, not possible. Well after 4 years of honestly believing that, thinking something is just wrong with my bum vagina and lady parts. Take it all out I said, I dont need it anymore....ok they said...lets just get you ready for this surgery....wait a sec here lady...you went ahead and got yourself knocked up.....ahhh pardon...no not me...not possible.....ohhh hell yea God was laughing his ass off at that one.....I didnt laugh,,,.,honestly I cried...scared of it all, something must be wrong with her...after all the test that showed something would be wrong with her from day one. She was born healthy and amazing at 37 weeks. I still catch myself staring at them at separate moments on any given day and revel in the amazement that I am their mother and they are my daughters. You too my friend have a special heart, I just feel it...I wont say to you, it will happen, just relax. Cause lord knows that can piss a girl off like nothing ever. I will say, I am here, holding your hand, knowing how your feeling and the questions you ask yourself. I am angry for you, angry and the not so clear answers. But if I have learned anything its to expect the unexpected....you can never ever prepare for everything, every emotion. Not possible. But know in your heart you too will feel that love for a child and understand the complexity of the process and someday you too will be talking to someone that was once in your shoes....Thinking of you!

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  3. You'll get there indeed - and if it's meant to be it will be so no need to stress TOO much about it. At least you are going to get a second opinion, definitely scope out other doctors and research (as I'm sure you will) and just see what another one says. It never hurts and may just be what you (and your uterus) needs. Besides, if you're not happy with your doctor it doesn't matter what anyone says or how credible they are, leave. It will be worth it and it will just take time so wishing you all the patience in the world! Have a great one Tia and best of luck! -Iva

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  4. You are to ally right, when it's meant to happen it will. Who knows another door maybe opening and this will give you the chance to walk through it!

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  5. I think your stance on not turning to IVF 'quickly' is refreshing - love that you are researching so much and figuring out natural ways to help things. I'm also very glad you are getting a second opinion! I hope it's a breath of fresh air for you on this long road!

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  6. I'm sorry it's taking awhile for you to get there, but I really believe it's all going to be worth it in the end.

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  7. I don't like giving Internet Advice but after I went off of birth control after 15 years, I was a little worried about getting pregnant. I found this ridiculous sounding supplement called Pregnitude, which is just myo-inositol and folic acid. I was already taking folic acid, so I ordered the myo. There's no way to know if that is what did the trick, but we were, um, ultimately successful. Good luck to you.

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  8. my friend went through this as well...they tried for like, 5 or 6 years and she was on those drugs as well, did multiple rounds and even tried acupuncture. i think the stress she put on herself is what was preventing things and when she finally let it all go, decided to let fate handle it going forward, booked a trip to relax and start fresh, she came home from that trip pregnant. so hang in there!! it'll happen soon enough.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  9. I am so sorry you are going through this, but like you said - you will get there, and it will all be worth it.

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