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Jan 5, 2015

Making it about me

Good morning loves,
I hope everyone had an eventful, yet restful holiday season. 
I took the time to refocus on the numba' one stunna'....me.

See, amidst all of the emotions that goes along with infertility and treatments and insurance and all that, I managed to get this wonky head problem. There was a patch on the top of my head, that made almost a direct line from my hair line to the crown of my head, that was insanely tender to the touch.
I thought, at first, I had had one too many tight ponytails or top knots that threw off my game and pulled my hair too much, causing the soreness.
But it didn't go away for weeks.
It started about a week before Christmas, and thankfully subsided by New Year's Day.
After hitting up all the usual Google antidotes and ruling out a tumor, fibromyalgia, psoriasis, shingles, and swollen lymph nodes...I finally found a few forums that talked about how anxiety can cause the muscles in your head to tense up to the point of a consistent, tender, dull ache.

And to be honest, at that point I honestly thought I felt fine.
Cool as a cucumber.
But apparently I was wrong.
The tension from anxiety can last for a long time after the episode takes place....days, weeks, even months.
And since I am not really one to take a bunch of meds to fix the problem, I took it upon myself to fix it.
Fix me.


And then of course I ran into a few more snags that kind of upset the whole zenning out thing.

The day before NYE at work, I was brought into my bosses office and told that my role as his assistant was no longer required. Not entirely shocking, I might add, but still stung none-the-less.
Instead of just dumping me on my ass, they decided to change my role, who I report to, yada yada....but the part that threw me was that no one really had a game plan. I have no real title yet, no job description, nothing really. I am in limbo.
So of course I silently got upset and went into panic mode. I looked to what other positions are offered in an area closer to home. I reached out to friends to see what they knew.
I have been through the whole, "your job has been eliminated" thing before, so it's nothing I can't handle, but still. This week I will meet with my new boss to determine the correct path and hopefully we can work something out that will benefit the company, and me.
My role has been ever-shifting in a company that is growing quickly, and I had my doubts about giving up total control about a lot of things I shouldn't have necessarily been doing in an Executive Assistant role for fear of exactly this. My boss doesn't like doling out his to-do's to other people, so my tasks such as finance and general HR kept me busy while I did the bare minimum with him.
Well, now I don't have much to do, so will be dabbling back with the things that kept me afloat before.
All I can do is hope it's enough.

After I came to terms with this work, of course I couldn't be let off the hook so easily.
A family problem came back into the forefront, and I have always been the voice of reason for my parents and my brother. I try to pick up the slack when there are issues, resolve problems, be the unbiased voice, troubleshoot to keep everyone together.
It's exhausting.
These days it seems that every time my mom wants to get together, it's to bitch about my brother's issues and the fact that my dad is enabling his poor life choices.
And I get pissed and just want everyone to act normally so I intervene.
Begging my brother to stay straight.....trying to tell my dad to act like a dad and not his best friend. To be the bad guy to keep him out of trouble...coaching my mom to keep it together.
I get so angry that I feel like I have to bear this burden for everyone.
I have to be the rock.
Mark and I have always been self sufficient. And it bothers me to no end to see people being taken advantage of...especially my parents.

And to make matters worse, when these instances happen, I don't even realize how upset I am and take it out on my husband.
It's not fair to him and it's not fair to our marriage.

He kind of told me I need to stop.
Stop making it my problem. Change the subject when asked an opinion and don't get mad.
I can't force my beliefs onto them, I just have to hope everything will work out for the best.



So I went about my days off focusing on things that make ME happy.
I splurged here and there on myself for once.
Stopped into Sephora and got some REAL makeup that REALLY brings out the best me.
Started at a new gym just minutes from my house. Those sweat sessions keep me sane.
Recovered my sore muscles with many epsom salt baths (and some wine).
Plucked my eyebrows, dyed my hair, had it cut.
Got dressed up and went on a fun date with Mark.
Bought a new Kindle book, The Happiness Project, and am hoping to take a few cues from it.
And today I spent the day preparing for a new work week.
Being organized keeps my schedule in line and makes me less frustrated.

Life is rather overwhelming sometimes.
And sometimes, it's easier to focus inward to keep the crazy at bay.

9 comments:

  1. I totally understand on the family and work thing. I don't have any control or say in where/what I do at work, so I felt totally powerless. I have gotten to the point with my family that I told everyone, I am not involved with any of this so I won't put myself in the middle. Case in point, I decided to not do Thanksgiving with either of our families because I didn't want the drama. Christmas? Nope, I literally at one point said, "I don't know anything about that." when someone tried to talk about another family member. It helped a lot that G & I went to a few therapy sessions not too long ago to talk about boundaries and setting limits in all of those situations. Totally worth it!

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  2. Yep, totally get it on the family stuff - my twin sisters husband, who is an attorney no less, is a sole practitioner, but my 22 year old daughter who worked part time at Panera last year made more money than him. They keep sinking deeper and deeper but my sister either won't or can't give her husband an ultimatum and it's been like this for YEARS. She keeps borrowing money from my Mom, and now that I have my husbands life insurance policy, has hinted that she needs money to get her car fixed. Um, no. I am not feeling guilty about it one bit - it's not my problem she's in the situation she's in.

    Sending hugs your way - you know I am just a few minutes away if you want to meet up for beers or wine! :D

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  3. I'm so sorry about the family issue. That doesn't sound like any fun. But I applaud you for taking time for yourself and doing things to make you happy. It sounds like you really needed it!

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  4. well looky loo hoo at you...good job!! Its about time you take the time for you! I know its hard, you want to fix everyone and everything. Im glad you realize sometimes you dont have so much control, I know it sucks but at least you realize it...better than being beat over the head with it ya know. As always, im thinking of you!

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  5. Tell me about these Epson salt baths -- how do you do (amount of salt, etc) and is it really safe??? Is it like a massage where you need to drink lots of water before, during and after??

    Sorry about your family stuff - sounds incredibly frustrating. It's hard to say "enough, I'm done helping with this" when it's your family. Hang in there. Baby Erin (or Aaron!) doesn't need this stress, it won't make things happen as easily so remember, ZEN! :)

    How bout a glass of wine now? :)

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  6. So sorry you are going through all this. I am thinking about you. Glad you took some time for yourself, though. I'm sure you needed it.

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  7. Good for you for taking some time for yourself! It's probably the best thing you could have done:)

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  8. Man you poor thing you've had a rough couple of weeks yo!! It's good and needed to take time to yourself, esp around the holidays - things get cray. I understand how you feel being a rock for folks - I'm usually the mental rock for many and it does get exhausting but it's a good reminder that your opinion is valued and that others respect you. On the other hand, you definitely can't keep making others problems your own. I don't speak to my sisters either since in the midst of trying to help they ganged up on me with words unfairly so.. Block negativity esp out of your marriage. I do the same thing sometimes and take things out on my partner, something I'm actively working on. Hope you enjoyed those days to yourself and find peace with your situation - for now, look for another job! No one likes being in limbo!! Get em' tiger! Happy 2015 Tia and take it easy love -Iva

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  9. Family issues can be all consuming, I am so glad you are stepping back a bit and thinking about YOU and Mark It's so important, and the right thing to do. You looked so pretty in your instagram pic with the new makeup!!! <3

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