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Oct 21, 2015

For a split second...


...I didn't have fertility problems.
...we were going to chance it and let nature take its course.
...we were in the moment and we didn't want to shatter the connection.
...everything would be okay, there was nothing to worry about.
...I was giddy thinking it could happen naturally.

Ever since we found out we were a genetic match, we have been more than cautious.
There were two options, I go back on birth control, or we use protection.
We went with the latter...because...you know...hormones.

And I'm not going to lie that it hasn't zapped away a little of the moment every time.
It's kind of like being back in our early 20's...young, foolish, but not trying to be TOO foolish, if you catch my drift.

This weekend we kind of got caught up....in the moment...in our sheets.
Just blissfully unaware of the possible repercussions of simply fooling around.
I smiled thinking that there could be a shot...a 75% shot that we would be in the clear.
October would be a beautiful month to make a beautiful July baby, exactly what we wanted.
It could all be so easy...

But then I heard that rip.
And the wrapper fell to the floor.
And I was sucked back into reality.

Because our reality is a future that involves a lot of needles, and pain, and waiting.
Our reality is a complete loss of romance during the process.
It's regulated.
It's scheduled.

Sometimes I get down thinking about everything we have to go through next year.
I'm not good with needles, but it's something I will be forced to use, a lot, to ensure our baby's future is at its fullest potential.
I'm not exactly okay with weight gain (if not pregnant) and yet, it's part of the process.
I'm not looking forward to the night sweats and unbalanced hormones and the feeling I am losing control....even before I am pregnant.

For a split second this weekend, I was free from all of it.
In the second, we weren't the ones dealing with infertility.
We didn't have this looming IVF protocol hanging over our heads.
We didn't have to leave it to science to make our baby.

It would just....happen. Like intended.

Sigh.....I know it will be alright. Luck seems to be on our side during trying times.
And we are inching closer to our start date.
Just a bump over two months and we meet again with our RE.

Thanks for reading.

4 comments:

  1. It really isn't fair, but you are doing what you have to do to get what you want and it will be worth the effort no matter what because it's what you want.

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  2. Aw, Tia, I'm sorry. ;( Not sure if this will help, but I just read a post on FB a mom wrote. She found out she had Placenta Previa, which typically means a C-section. She kept asking why, why her, why this baby. She didn't want a C-section, she wanted a natural delivery. As her pregnancy progressed, she kept asking why her. At 30 some weeks preg she started bleeding heavily, needed a transfusion. Finally the day came for the C-section. Again, why her, why this baby, why. As they were lifting the baby out her dr told her to look, and there the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck twice and it would have been fatal had she delivered him vaginally. All of a sudden she understood the why, why this had happened to her and this baby. The moral of the story (and point I'm trying to get across) is that someday you will know the why, will understand why you had to go through this process to get that sweet baby in your arms. Have faith, keep you eye on the prize and everything is going to work out perfectly. Promise. (((hugs)))

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  3. hey, at least you're getting some...I still find it uncomfortable after baby.

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