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Jul 11, 2016

I'm faking it

Throughout this entire IVF journey, I have done my best to stay positive.
Outwardly, my eyes light up and my attitude is good.

Inward, there have been many, many days of doubt.
And some of those days I choose to vocalize.
Today is one of those days.
Although, I try to keep it to a minimum, because no one wants to hear my first world problems.
Hell, I don't even want to hear them. :)

But it's a major part of this journey and I am probably going to go insane if I don't include the bad with the good, sometimes.

The thing is...when I am in the midst of an IVF cycle....I don't really think of it as a happy and fun thing.

I just see it as a thing I have to do...like you would get up and brush your teeth in the morning.
You don't look forward to brushing your teeth, but you're an adult, so you just do it.

I honestly don't know who would look at this as a positive experience.
Maybe they do and I forgot to drink the kool-aid?
Who honestly looks forward to get up to getting multiple needles with vials of poison, injected into themselves, multiple times a day, for days on end?

No one does.

It's the end result that we are gunning for.
The baby.
That is the happy.
That is the it's all worth it moment.

I have been going through this process with an internal pessimistic attitude.
Of course I want it to work, but I know damn well that it might not.

And that terrifies me.
It terrifies me because, as someone who works their ass off to live a good life, I can't seem to work hard enough at this.

People are constantly telling us it's going to work, or think positive thoughts, or ooohhh girl you got this (ok, that last one is my internal monologue, whatevs) but all I want to say to the universe is...
F Off.

I just can't allow that amount of positive thinking to take over my mental state.
(Totally insane, right?)

I have been putting up these mental barriers because the more I climb up the mountain of positivity, the farther I have to fall if everything goes to shit.

I have been teetering on the edge of hope and despair.
Walking this fine line.

Just get through this month.
Just get through this next appointment.
Just get through these next three shots.
Just get through.

I haven't been able to be consistently happy about this time in my life.

Sure, there have been thrilling moments, maybe even a bit of excitement.
But all of it has been fueled by fear.

If IVF was something to look forward to, I probably wouldn't be ugly-crying on the drive home the night before baseline, knowing I have to gear up....again.

Mark and I have talked about the possibility of a future without a child, and I nod my head in compliance when he says, "we'll be good no matter what."

Because technically that statement IS true.

Of course we'll be good.

But it's just not anything I have ever imagined.
A life where we grow old and gray....just the two of us.

There most definitely isn't anything wrong with this alternative lifestyle.
I just can't come to terms with that notion.

With each step forward, a lot of times I feel as though we also take a giant leap backwards.

Sometimes I can't imagine having to go through ANOTHER round.
But the fear of the unknown if we don't do it, is so much greater.
The regret. The what-ifs. The...did I give it my all?

During a different conversation I asked Mark what he thinks the outcome of Round 3 will be.

It could go either way. The possibilities are numerous at this point.
We could get any number of quality Day 5 embryos...including zero.

So when is enough, enough?

I guess I will see how I respond to this more aggressive protocol.

My recovery between 1 and 2 was a tad different, with 2 being a longer recovery period.
Nothing life threatening or anything to worry about, but it was definitely longer.
I was more bloated and wheezy.

I don't know how many times I have said this is crazy over the course of the last six months.
It's too many to count.

I just can't believe this is the hand we have been dealt, sometimes.
I say life is weird a lot, but what I really mean, without trying to sound super whiny....is life isn't fair.

I don't think Mark and I have done anything so terrible in our lives that would justify us having to sacrifice our sanity, our time, our effort, our income....just to do something that should come naturally.

I don't think I will ever come to terms with the fact that I am, as a woman, broken, to some degree.

And yes, yes I know I am stronger than this bullshit...but that doesn't take away broken.
It only puts a band-aid on it.

Time is the only thing that washes away worry, self-doubt, anger, failure and sadness.

Right now I am living in this fucked up situation so it's all I think about.
And I am really bitter about it sometimes.

I have doubts and worries nearly every day.
Just as I have joy and smile and laughter every day.

I wish it didn't have to be like this...I wish we didn't have to be tested to this degree.

Do we REALLY want it?

More than anything.

And apparently anything literally includes everything.
We are literally being tested to our limits right now.

During our cat's recovery, I have spent a lot of time in the future nursery, where we currently keep his medications, cat box, food, etc.

I think about where the baby furniture will go, and what colors I would use.
I think about the fun, aesthetic stuff that goes with having a baby, to mask the pain it is currently taking to get one.

This year is far from rainbows and roses, but I guess that's not what we signed up for.

I understand now why IVF is the last resort in fertility treatments....it's such a huge under-taking that you can't fully understand it unless you have lived through it.

But I am thankful that we even have it as an option.
I am thankful for the support from friends and family.
I am thrilled with insurance coverage and our Illinois mandate.

Don't think for one second that I am not eternally grateful for what we DO have in this process.

But I am human.

I am allowed to vent and feel frustration, get it out of my system, and then put my big girl panties on and drop-kick IVF's nonsense square in the teeth.

We'll get through it.
Thanks for reading. XO

5 comments:

  1. Day by day. No one will understand what you're going through...because it's YOUR journey. I think you are allowed to feel and act however you please! Let it out!

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  2. I get this so hard. I find myself already preparing for what we will do if we end up with another loss, and that's so depressing and unnecessarily negative but when it's what you've become accustomed to, where else would your mind go? It's so NOT a happy and fun thing and people around me really want it to be too. They think it's just so exciting. I'll be excited if it works. For now I'm just going through the motions.

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  3. When we lost our first baby everyone said "you're so strong!". It totally pissed me off. What was I was supposed to do, walk around bawling my eyes out like I was doing behind the privacy of my front door? That's not how adulthood works. You put on your big girl panties and go out and do/be/live. After that I swore I wouldn't tell anyone "you're so strong" during difficult times when they aren't crying their eyes out in front of me. But I think I did say that once or twice to you, or the evil "You're going to get through this" or "it's going to happen for you, I just know it!" We never know what to say, we just want to be as positive as possible so as not to upset the person going through their trial. Instead I want to say "yea, this totally sucks. WTF!" Even though from the outside looking in I can say "you're not broken, it's not your fault" because you aren't and it's not, as the person going through it what else are you supposed to think? What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Rational you knows nothing but emotional you is all about blaming yourself. Life sucks sometimes, it can really blow. No, life isn't over b/c you can't breastfeed anymore (that's me), or because you can (possibly) never have a child of your own but *that life* IS over and you then have to start off on the new life journey that you didn't know you were ever going to go on. I absolutely hate this for you, and I hope and pray like crazy that all this pain turns into a beautiful little baby. But if it doesn't work out like that then it doesn't and I'll cry with you. And if ever I see you walking down the streets of Chicago I'll come up to you and hug you and cry with you some more (and then tell you who the heck I am). You are still in my thoughts and prayers.

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  4. You are totally allowed to vent and cry and be pissed off. What you're going through sucks (and I know that's coming from someone who has never been through it). I think when we're going through shitty things we feel guilty for feeling bad - but you know what? Life IS sometimes unfair and we should be able to acknowledge it! Whatever happens, you have lots of people behind you!

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  5. You're doing the best you can . . . and really, what else is there. Day by day. Week by week. Virtual hugs my friend . . . I wish this weren't so difficult for you.

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