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Aug 22, 2016

33


Sunday I turned 33.
Happy Birthday to me!

I have high hopes for this year, but today.....today is different.

It's real talk time. (yes, there is bitching in this post but it's my birthday and I do what I want)

I'll be honest, I'm not in a celebration kind of mood.
I didn't want a party or cake or presents or anything.

I already got my awesome genetic results and couldn't be more grateful.
THAT is the gift that will hopefully keep giving for the rest of my life.

We are at a weird point in our lives right now.

There is just a lot of stuff going on at the moment, and I'll feel better once we move past it.

You know when you are in the middle of some serious shit, like something bad happened to a family member, or you got hurt, or you are worried so much about something, and while you are going through it, you have this insane adrenaline rush and can't believe you are keeping up with it all and still putting a smile on your face...but then you finally turn a corner, and the pain and suffering and chaos washes away, and you are sitting there.....exhausted?

Anyone? Just me?

Well, that's what is happening right now.

I am mentally drained.

The ups and downs of IVF this year seemed like a roller-coaster I was never allowed to hop off of.
With the results of our PGD testing, I feel like we finally rounded that corner and can move at a more relaxed pace through to the finish line.

Between the nightly Lupron injections, an earlier alarm clock to get back at the gym, and the never-ending background noise that is family drama, I feel like I could fall asleep for the next year and still not feel rested.

One big ticket item: our finances are crazy right now.
I mentioned in the past that our out-of-pocket expenses were through the roof this year, and it kind of all came to a head early-August.

Nothing I wasn't anticipating, but it gets overwhelming seeing a pile of debt when you didn't go on a lavish vacation or really do anything "fun" to accumulate said debt.

IVF will do that to you.

And yes, I know it'll all be worth it, once getting pregnant works, but right now, in this moment, we seem to just be going in circles, with no end in sight.

Anyways, always wearing the Mrs. Budget hat, I laid out a plan that would clear our debt by the end of the year, although it would mean the continuation of completely eliminating frivolous purchases.
We would also have no wiggle room should anything else go south.

(I think my plan would actually make us kill each other, to be honest. I mean...exactly HOW LONG can a married couple go without a bit of frivolous spending? We are currently at the 9 month mark....
And let's not EVEN get into my sad, neglected wardrobe. HOW MUCH LONGER can I wear a bra with the wire stabbing me in the boob before I throat punch someone for looking at me weird? 
But I digress.....)

I told Mark about everything.
He's not really one to understand finances and find a solution without stressing out.
I usually just handle everything and it always works out.

But at that point I was feeling overwhelmed.
Like.....rush home and nearly hit three people trying to get there only to arrive and kind of hyper-ventilate cry and make my husband scared for my sanity overwhelmed.

Because my rational thoughts at the time included, but weren't limited to:

What if the insurance company denies our (huge) claim?
How am I going to save up for maternity leave?
I don't know how to make extra money!
What about my BRA?!

We talked about our options.
Mark thought for a moment, then said he will fix up the four-wheelers so we can sell them.
I immediately agreed.
We had talked about this option in case times got tough, and I think now is that time.

Hallelujah!

So that's what he did this weekend.
I photographed them and we'll put them on Craigslist.

The price for the two of them should knock out a good chunk of our debt, and then we just have to pray the insurance comes through with our reimbursement.

I will breathe a sigh of relief at that point!!

Looking back on my 32nd birthday, I realized just how far we'd come in one year.

Granted, I still don't have a baby, but we made some MAJOR head way this year, and I am so thankful after all the set-backs, we are in a good place with a good chance.

I think that is another major reason why I'm not super celebrate-y right now.
I am waiting for THAT main event as well.

We are in the final countdown to see if everything we have worked for...is actually going to work.
And I am waiting with baited breathe until it does.

However, I should really toot my own horn a bit, because I FUCKING HANDLED THIS YEAR LIKE A BOSS. All the shots, all the appointments, all the monitoring, all the nerve-wracking results.

We got through them, so far, and I didn't end up in a mental institution!

If anything, THAT ALONE is a huge reason to celebrate!

We'll get through this. All of it. All the nerves, all the debt, all the everything.
It's just a season of life. The good and the bad.

Cheers to 33!
It's going to be the best one yet!!
Now I'm off to bed....again. :) XO

4 comments:

  1. I can 100% relate to the rush you are talking about - you just have to get through things so you don't realize how hard and exhausting it is until you sort of....crash. That's exactly how it was when Mike was so sick, it was like three months of powering through, handling it all on my own, and then January came and I was just DONE.

    It's so good you are able to see this is the point you are at so you can give yourself some MUCH needed time to process things and regroup. It has been such a long road for you Tia! I am so so so hopeful all of this is your turning point, and there are wonderful things to come your way :) :)

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  2. Happy Birthday. give yourself some grace. You have good things coming ahead. Life is hard but you have eachother. Celebrate the good.

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  3. Happy birthday! This season of waiting and wondering is so hard but you are handling it like a BOSS.

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  4. Oh girl I know exactly what you're talking about with the rush. I am always that person who handles shit and then falls apart later. Car accidents, I'm the one talking everyone down. Family deaths, I'm the one planning the menu for the memorial. With my last miscarriage, everyone thought I was going crazy because I wouldn't stop and mourn, but people, I had gross physical stuff to take care of and appointments to set up and tests to research. It was a solid 3 months before I truly took time to throw my pity party. Party away, Tia. I am so sorry about that financial stress and I honestly cannot imagine how you guys manage it. We were freaking out about the cost of sperm and that is so small in comparison. Happy birthday, for a gift, get yourself a new bra. I like Aerie personally.

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