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Oct 5, 2016

Grieving


I thought about whether or not I should write about what I have been going through since our failed cycle.

I can't seem to snap out of it, so I figured, what the hell, writing is my therapy so I'll let it out to the world and hopefully I can find peace with my thoughts.

I didn't think it would happen, but it did.

The grief.
The inconsolable, overwhelming grief from the loss of our embryo.

To some this may sound silly.
After all, it was just a ball of cells, right?
It wasn't a baby yet, it wasn't anything, really.

But....to this day, I'm not over it.

I have my good moments, but mostly my thoughts are clouded with sadness and despair.
I have constant headaches, despite my best efforts to eat right and sleep well and remove stress from my plate.
I have a constant lump in my throat.

We are moving forward with our last embryo transfer, but mentally, I'm still stuck in last Tuesday.

I am sad and angry, and honestly, it doesn't take much for tears to well up these days.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.
How much more I can put up with, how many more times I will get knocked down this year.

I feel like I am climbing a mountain, and every time I think I'm getting near the top, the clouds part a bit more and there is equally more mountain to climb from where I started.

I feel like all my planning, and effort, and follow-through, and questioning, has been for nothing.

I feel like we are no further today than we were, back on January 5th, listening to our possible protocol for the future.

At that point, we were scared, but filled with so much more hope.

And now I have all this pressure.
I have all this anxiety and pressure with this final embryo.

I can't get excited and day-dream anymore about the possibilities of a baby.
All I keep thinking about is how quickly it can be over.

How quickly, after years and years and years of wanting a child, this door could close on us.

I was in such high spirits for this first one.
Our transfer was incredible.

And now it's gone and I am left questioning the protocol, our doctors, and my sanity.
Questioning what I could have done better or differently to help the outcome.
Questioning what I did to deserve this.

I really, really want to get past these feelings.
I just want to let go, and be at peace with this failed attempt.
It's consuming my life and it's tough to keep this fake smile on my face each day.

I am moving forward with Halloween decorations, and plans with friends, and time with my husband, but this failure is on repeat in the back of my mind, through it all.

Time will heal me.
I know it.

Mark and I have our hot-tub talks when I tell him I am having a sad day, and it always helps realize the bigger goal, instead of dwelling on the past.

But this is my reality right now.
I didn't realize how badly I wanted it until it was over.
And I hope to God I don't have to go through this again.

8 comments:

  1. You will not get over those feelings quickly, and really you shouldn't you should take the time to be sad and grieve for a few weeks, that is totally normal! I will tell you from experience, it does not get easier, it gets harder and you become more and more numb to the sadness with each failed cycle. Finding a renewed sense of hope is hard & you may not find it right away. Just remember that eventually you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, get back on the horse, & try again!

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  2. I'm sorry you're struggling. The best thing I did for myself after our first cycle was cancelled was start seeing a therapist. My husband is great and really supportive, but he had his own feelings about the cycle, and I was overwhelming him with my emotions. Having a "safe" space to talk through all that anger/frustration/sadness/hurt without worrying about how the person on the other end was feeling about it has been a lifesaver for me, and frankly for our marriage. Hugs!

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  3. Hey girl, I have been MIA from the blog land with the move and what not. I wanted to send my love and let you know that y'all got this! I'm thinking about you and your family and sending good vibes your way!

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear this. I have never been in your shoes but I can understand why you would be so upset even if it was just cells. It was the hope of a future baby, and that must be so devastating for you.

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  5. My heart aches for you. It was never just a ball of cells. It was your love and your hope and your dreams. And those particular ones will never be replaced. Thinking of you.

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't comment as much as I should but I have been keeping up with your story and thinking of you. Not to take away from your own struggles but I have been having some tough times as well. I know this is cliché but I try to just take everything one moment at a time. Not even a day at a time because sometimes that's too much. Sending good vibes your way.

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  7. It wasn't just a ball of cells. It was a ball of human cells. YOUR ball of human cells. My first miscarriage was so early and I used that whole "ball of cells" thing to make myself feel like I wasn't really allowed to grieve. I didn't take the time and space I needed. Mourn it now so you don't have to later. After our second loss when we took time off for testing and healing, I found myself mourning BOTH losses, since I never properly had to begin with. As for moving forward, I wish I could tell you it would get easy again, but it won't. The feelings just get more and more complicated. Once you know loss and doubt and sadness and disappointment, you don't get the naivete back. You will probably have a much more anxious TWW with this next transfer. That's okay.

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  8. Of course you're going to grieve and be sad . . . virtual hugs to you. 2016 is one for the history books for you guys . . . hoping you end it with a bang!

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