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Dec 23, 2016

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

...let your heart be light
...from now on, your troubles will be out of sight.



If there was ever a time I needed to really resonate with some Christmas music....this would be it.

I have repeated these phrases over and over and over...and they have yet to sink in.

This Christmas, as compared to years past, sits heavy on my heart.
Christmas is a time for joy and magic....but also brings on the nostalgia, good and bad.

And so it goes; a certain Christmas song may remind you of a loved one passed on.
The glow of the fire may send your mind into a tail-spin, reminding you of all the struggles in the past.
Sometimes finding the magic in the Holiday can drum up a lot of bad or sad memories too, and sometimes they win.

As hard as I am trying, and believe me, I am putting in full effort these days, I can't seem to shake the sads.

I have had this conversation, multiple times, with Mark, and the outcome is always the same.
I feel like I am repeating myself constantly because I want to be able to recognize depression and anxiety, should they creep up, but we are both on the same page.
It's not just me.

We both recognize how blessed we are to have a baby boy on the way.
Part of my internal guilt is recognizing that I may not be handling this pregnancy with any grace, knowing what most couples struggling with infertility would give to be in our shoes.

I struggle knowing that I have a strong, healthy baby growing inside me, and yet, I cannot shake the day-to-day struggle we are facing at the moment.

I am simply more sad about recent events that I am happy about my pregnancy.
And that statement alone makes me want to blubber into my pillow and nap until next year.

Now, I know this is just a season of life...this too shall pass...but it sure is a heavy one.
I am trying to allow myself to grieve as new obstacles enter my life, but some days it just seems overwhelming, like I will never get back on top and appreciate the good.

I am so very grateful that through all of the shit in 2016, Mark and I are closer than ever.
This was a very defining moment in our relationship...one of the hardest thus far.

If our relationship wasn't as strong as it is, who knows where we would be right now.

It's a hard pill to swallow, to recognize you may not be as strong in every scenario as you thought you were, and your only option is to fall to your spouse....to truly crumble in their arms because you can no longer move forward...and hope to God they will have the strength to pick up the pieces and push you forward.

That...is what makes a solid relationship.

Was this the hardest year we will ever face? Doubtful.

But it sure as hell has tested every ounce of my being, and I am weary trying to stay optimistic and go above and beyond.

Our rawest emotions have been laid on the table for each other to witness.
Something people may not be proud to show others, but we had to, for the sake of our marriage, and our sanity.

This year, we cried together, we worried together, we screamed together, we laughed together, and we cheered together.

We will be taking the time to enjoy the company of family this weekend, and find peace in the present.

I am so thankful that we are inching ever closer to being DONE with 2016.
I am so thankful that we have a few days away from the office, where I can spend time with loved ones...or do what I think I should be doing...sleeping.

There will be time to wrap presents, and lounge on the couch, and sip tea, and take baths (Hallelujah!)

And sometimes, a small gesture from a stranger makes all the difference in your mood and the fog of despair starts to lift a little...making you realize there is still a lot of good in the world, even if it is shadowed by darker days.

Still to come this year, a full recap of the ups and downs in my End of Year post, along with my 10 week Bumpdate.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
XO

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