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Mar 27, 2017

Closure

Good morning.
As a lot of you know, I have been struggling to heal emotionally from my miscarriage.
For months I seem to be spinning in circles, never making it much further than a day or two a week where I feel "normal."

Usually by the weekend, all the emotions I have been ignoring all week, so I can get through work, come out in a big mess.

I'm not happy and as carefree as I have been in the past.
I have not had much hope for the future, or really given the future much thought.
It's hard to make plans, or decisions. Instead, I just try to move through each day and hope I don't completely break down.

I have been incredibly frustrated with myself.
That I can't just snap out of this funk, knowing I did all I could, and move forward.

I have known for a while that performing a very standard ritual of laying the baby to rest will likely ease my suffering. But getting to that point and resolving to actually make the effort to move forward has been the issue.

After roughly 24 hours of non-stop crying this weekend, I knew it was time.
Mark has wanted to add a large rock where Crash is buried, to make the area look nice, and I felt obligated to bury the babies memories as well, before we added the landscaping.

After he left me, I slept with his wubby (a tiny blanket with a bunny head) for a few months for comfort.
I gathered my pregnancy tests, an announcement photo, the letter confirming the discarding of our other abnormal embryos, my announcement t-shirt, the pig with wings I carried in my purse during our transfer, a bracelet I was going to give my brother with his due date on it, and finally, a letter I wrote to him.

We found a nice little box and put everything inside.
Mark dug a hole, I read the letter, we sobbed for a while, and finally laid his memories to rest.

Here is what I wrote (you might need a tissue)



But you know what?
I do feel better.
No sooner did we cover the little box with dirt....my heart started lifting.

Sure, I was tired and spent from the emotional toll the last few months have taken from me....but I laughed....really laughed this weekend, for the first time in a really long time.

I can't guarantee this was a cure-all for how sad I have been feeling.
At the very least, I feel like I was given permission to look into my future again...with hope.

And right now, that means everything to me.
Thank you for reading. XO


5 comments:

  1. This is beautiful. I am glad you laughed this weekend! I hope that your heart continues to lift a little more every day, maybe not exactly back to where it was but in a new place just as wonderful!

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  2. What a beautiful way to remember. I hope you continue to feel better with each day.

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  3. Thank you for sharing this important moment with us. Love to you and Mark.

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  4. I think of you and that sweet boy often. Big hugs, friend.

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  5. I'm really glad you did this. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing great at this grief thing.

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